This is one of those afternoons when you are mustering all of your energy to grab some shut-eye to make you look psyched for work. I strictly work on alternate shifts, so the circadian rhythm is so screwed. And no matter how you toss and turn flipping much like that of an acrobat on alcohol withdrawal (sauvignon consumption), your eyes grow so wide it's like you've had a puff of joint. So what do you do then? Bury yourself on the next best thing. Write everything that's crowding in your mind; get some steam off of your chest and let go of the reigns of the written word.

     Would you believe that it just occurred to me that I'm still shy of my stay here in Japan? No matter how trite the cliche sounds, time really does fly by so fast. It's unnerving. It's comforting. It's scary. It is downright happening before your very eyes. Life does that to you, huh? Shake you out of your senses. Or, shake you back to your senses. It did both for me. I haven't the slightest inkling I'd be here, making it on my own, missing all my loved ones back home, making a career, growing up in all aspects. It's euphoric yet nostalgic; scary but something you want to end up doing. There's the perfect idiom to describe it, catch 22.

     I was chatting with my best bud here in Japan, a couple of days ago, and I told him about the local bands I missed and their raw music. Those bands that I absolutely go gaga over. Too bad I don't have a girlfriend to scream out my lungs with when I play or see these bands on YouTube. I reckon it would've been a pretty good way to get laryngitis. Then again, it's an entirely different ballgame if I were with my friends among with the other thousand bands that we'll give audience to. My sweethearts who give me a cruddy look when I haggle shamelessly with the vendors at the market. Lovely friends who are manic drivers and who could be the biggest pain in the ass when in control of the wheels. Them, who always make me realize that part of being beautiful is when a woman learns to forgive. That I also wish this friend lives near me, or if only Tokyo were in my downtown, I would certainly gatecrash at his place and will do nothing but bum around and have movie marathon until I start to snore. Although I hate to admit it, he would laugh at me when I bawl over a syrupy Bea-John Lloyd movie.

     
     There is something about my being here that changed my perspective about myself. Well, at some point, it's bound to happen. You get so pushed to the wall, that you just have to grin and bear it. Talk about conforming to the situation. 
  

     I've learned that I can actually live alone by myself, literally and figuratively. For someone like me who is forever dependent on her mom to make decisions for her. I have done a pretty good deal of making major decisions. I am certainly not claiming I did it solely. If God weren't directing my every thought and being, I'm a walking train wreck. Thank God for His being Him! Let's not even get started on those major decisions. It's another mile-long page.

     I've learned that you can't rely on friends for your every down time. Man! You have got to find some ways to amuse yourself and really decide you don't want to be in a sour state mood. I learned that here over time, that, friends that you make almost always never have the same interests as you do. And more often than not, you are in both ends of the spectrum. You have just one common interest and that's it. So for the love of yourself and your passions, do what you love to do even when there is no one to be with you. And by that, I'm taking on my long time passion to enroll in salsa dance classes (as the flyer says, no partner necessary)

     I've learned that you have got to give people the benefit of the doubt. Well, the 30-minute-conversation you have had with a person does not make out his entire being. So you have just got to give people chances. To let them get you to know them in a different light.

     I've learned that you have got to love your work. You just have to. I work for more than 40 hours a week in a hospital. It's draining, it physically kills you. The mental challenge is more like rewiring every atomic charge there is possible in your brain. My language is obscured. You have acquired an unwelcomed habit of wrung hands from drinking too much tea to pry your sorry eyes awake. And you still have some bad days. Despite giving it your all, I've learned that that's how it goes. You get good days and bad days at work, more like bad days outweighing the good. But then again, it all boils down to loving what you do, taking in the bad with it. And with this next pronouncement, I know I'll send all readers’ jaws dropping ~I LOVE MY JOB. I love working. I have never felt so needed in caring for someone like I feel right now. It's self satisfaction. I'm working for God, and He certainly doesn't deserve mediocrity. Bottom line is, for Him, it's never work at all.

     I've learned that my passion for food and this craving for decent meals consist of ordering food when I go on duty. As for the rest of the week, I live for scrappy food. I miss going to family-friends' houses that I'm welcomed to raid their freezers or refrigerators any freaking time of day. Sadly, there's not lots here! None ever :(

     I've learned that I can go to places alone. And this I can say with mock honesty, it's like coming home from a good date every time! To put it mildly, I get so weak in the knees and all imaginable anxiety overwhelms me. Every breathing technique executed and breath prayers said outloud to major long travels. To say I'll be nervous will be the understatement of the millenium. I look forward to the time when I could go on a pilgrim by myself in Europe. When will that be? 

     In most cases, I don't follow the path of normalcy. I tend to deviate from the norm, rebel against ridiculous ordinances, outdated social mores, stupid rules and inadvertently, I love people with complicated lives. It may sound funny, but I feel that I'd go nuts if I don't go crazy. And I'm happy with the way things are.