Headturners!

My heart has been restless of late. Stress level is rising. I wanted to just shout out and release all the tension I'm harboring inside. I wanted to write something... anything... just to keep my sanity intact.

But words seem to escape me. Every time I attempted to touch my keyboards I immediately press delete. Everything seems so senseless. So immature and so unworthy to be written. My mind is protesting every time I stop trying. Think! My mind shouts, as if commanding the will to create something that will ease the burden it's carrying.

Writing has always been a sort of therapy for me. It eases the pain of my heart whenever it gets broken. It stills my mind whenever it becomes restless due to so many things. It unburdens my shoulder, knowing that a part of its load has been lightened.

But lately, my mind is in a battle against its own. All of a sudden freedom of expression has encountered its nemesis. The fear of exposure. Ironic as it may seem. All of a sudden the very thing that liberates my soul is threatening to become a prison wall, that might actually shut me off to oblivion.

I wanted so bad to express how I feel, what I want and what I desire the most. But the very thought of it, even brings more tension to the stress that my otherwise carefree mind is experiencing right now.

So I remain in this tight reign of guarding my thoughts. Trying, with all my will and might, to tame the train of thoughts that run a wild. Lest I, in my folly, expose everything in those trains not minding the harmful gases it emits in the air, that I myself breathes from.

So for now, I shut up. For now I stay on guard. For now I lay still. For now I battle my own desires. For I know one day I will be set free, nay, I will be rescued. For I know that right now, my knight is preparing to conquer the vast abyss that separates us. He is gearing for the battle that will include slaying dragons and overcoming dangerous journeys. Until he emerges victorious and ready to claim what has been destined to be his. His bride...

So for now. I let my heart scream... in silence.

Lord, I need grace...

Some people can really be mean with their judgement. They think being in the first world country made them ahead of you. And I feel sorry for them. Because they never act as cultured as the words came out from their mouth. Anyroad, I will never stoop down to their level.

Think happy thoughts.

And I think of our little girl, who will never be second rate in all things she does. I'm so proud of you, my beauty! I love you, chu!

     This is one of those afternoons when you are mustering all of your energy to grab some shut-eye to make you look psyched for work. I strictly work on alternate shifts, so the circadian rhythm is so screwed. And no matter how you toss and turn flipping much like that of an acrobat on alcohol withdrawal (sauvignon consumption), your eyes grow so wide it's like you've had a puff of joint. So what do you do then? Bury yourself on the next best thing. Write everything that's crowding in your mind; get some steam off of your chest and let go of the reigns of the written word.

     Would you believe that it just occurred to me that I'm still shy of my stay here in Japan? No matter how trite the cliche sounds, time really does fly by so fast. It's unnerving. It's comforting. It's scary. It is downright happening before your very eyes. Life does that to you, huh? Shake you out of your senses. Or, shake you back to your senses. It did both for me. I haven't the slightest inkling I'd be here, making it on my own, missing all my loved ones back home, making a career, growing up in all aspects. It's euphoric yet nostalgic; scary but something you want to end up doing. There's the perfect idiom to describe it, catch 22.

     I was chatting with my best bud here in Japan, a couple of days ago, and I told him about the local bands I missed and their raw music. Those bands that I absolutely go gaga over. Too bad I don't have a girlfriend to scream out my lungs with when I play or see these bands on YouTube. I reckon it would've been a pretty good way to get laryngitis. Then again, it's an entirely different ballgame if I were with my friends among with the other thousand bands that we'll give audience to. My sweethearts who give me a cruddy look when I haggle shamelessly with the vendors at the market. Lovely friends who are manic drivers and who could be the biggest pain in the ass when in control of the wheels. Them, who always make me realize that part of being beautiful is when a woman learns to forgive. That I also wish this friend lives near me, or if only Tokyo were in my downtown, I would certainly gatecrash at his place and will do nothing but bum around and have movie marathon until I start to snore. Although I hate to admit it, he would laugh at me when I bawl over a syrupy Bea-John Lloyd movie.

     
     There is something about my being here that changed my perspective about myself. Well, at some point, it's bound to happen. You get so pushed to the wall, that you just have to grin and bear it. Talk about conforming to the situation. 
  

     I've learned that I can actually live alone by myself, literally and figuratively. For someone like me who is forever dependent on her mom to make decisions for her. I have done a pretty good deal of making major decisions. I am certainly not claiming I did it solely. If God weren't directing my every thought and being, I'm a walking train wreck. Thank God for His being Him! Let's not even get started on those major decisions. It's another mile-long page.

     I've learned that you can't rely on friends for your every down time. Man! You have got to find some ways to amuse yourself and really decide you don't want to be in a sour state mood. I learned that here over time, that, friends that you make almost always never have the same interests as you do. And more often than not, you are in both ends of the spectrum. You have just one common interest and that's it. So for the love of yourself and your passions, do what you love to do even when there is no one to be with you. And by that, I'm taking on my long time passion to enroll in salsa dance classes (as the flyer says, no partner necessary)

     I've learned that you have got to give people the benefit of the doubt. Well, the 30-minute-conversation you have had with a person does not make out his entire being. So you have just got to give people chances. To let them get you to know them in a different light.

     I've learned that you have got to love your work. You just have to. I work for more than 40 hours a week in a hospital. It's draining, it physically kills you. The mental challenge is more like rewiring every atomic charge there is possible in your brain. My language is obscured. You have acquired an unwelcomed habit of wrung hands from drinking too much tea to pry your sorry eyes awake. And you still have some bad days. Despite giving it your all, I've learned that that's how it goes. You get good days and bad days at work, more like bad days outweighing the good. But then again, it all boils down to loving what you do, taking in the bad with it. And with this next pronouncement, I know I'll send all readers’ jaws dropping ~I LOVE MY JOB. I love working. I have never felt so needed in caring for someone like I feel right now. It's self satisfaction. I'm working for God, and He certainly doesn't deserve mediocrity. Bottom line is, for Him, it's never work at all.

     I've learned that my passion for food and this craving for decent meals consist of ordering food when I go on duty. As for the rest of the week, I live for scrappy food. I miss going to family-friends' houses that I'm welcomed to raid their freezers or refrigerators any freaking time of day. Sadly, there's not lots here! None ever :(

     I've learned that I can go to places alone. And this I can say with mock honesty, it's like coming home from a good date every time! To put it mildly, I get so weak in the knees and all imaginable anxiety overwhelms me. Every breathing technique executed and breath prayers said outloud to major long travels. To say I'll be nervous will be the understatement of the millenium. I look forward to the time when I could go on a pilgrim by myself in Europe. When will that be? 

     In most cases, I don't follow the path of normalcy. I tend to deviate from the norm, rebel against ridiculous ordinances, outdated social mores, stupid rules and inadvertently, I love people with complicated lives. It may sound funny, but I feel that I'd go nuts if I don't go crazy. And I'm happy with the way things are.

I miss my childhood sweethearts!

     I have been staring at this blankpage for an agonizingly long half hour… and where does all my swirling thoughts take me? To nothingness.


     I am one who keeps scrutinizing every meticulous detail on ponderings and what-have-you, but for some good reason (among other things) I find myself swayed by emotions I cannot (for the life of me) fathom. It's unsettling  how you thrust yourself in a scenario you have long pushed out of your recesses. Yet, like a weed, it sprouts in the most bizarre of circumstances. And like a beckoning waterfall to an unsuspecting traveler; it lures you to its bossom where you dance, albeit, shamelessly without a hint of inhibition.


     It's like getting on a roller coaster where it scares you out of your wit’s end. Yet, you are absolutely convinced that it is a force you must reckon with. Otherwise, you are left with a wonderment that most certainly can send you careening out on a limb.


     It's so easy to get dazed on a venture where every sense is heightened, every word meaningful, every act purposeful to woo; every furtive glance, a glee; every plan with a “we”; every touch, a shield; every embrace, a promise…


     How do you dare find yourself in this cosmic realms of confusion, skeptism, cynicism, giddiness and most certainly differing levels of a high?


     You tell me…

Dichi!

Spoiled

  

I am feeling great delight when a friend mailed that he got me the book I so coveted for. The most controversial book which was just launched on March 16th, despite the suppression of its release, the withdrawal of support from the publisher and financiers in the local research funding. And it's not being circulated in any bookstore, you can't buy it anywhere else but to place order of a copy in advance, not even the established National Book Store nor Power Books, filled with terror that might be instituted legal proceedings by the Supreme Court. While it seemed that the book launching went well and the author herself book signed those copies which were bought at the event. I couldn't hold my reins but was fleeting with overjoy the whole afternoon.


One exed from my wish list. Muchas gracias!

Clarya

I miss Grammer!

     

We have numerous names for our grandmother, and she in return has peculiar names to label us. When we make introduction to our friends that she just met, she would be the grandlola or grammer (shorter term for grandmother). But among relatives, she will always be our Nanay (Tagalog for mother).


Grammer is the coolest person I know, despite her age. She is the mahjong queen at their subdivision, apart from being the dancing and singing sensation as a barangay chairwoman. If you don't find her at the mahjong table, you will definitely see her swaying her hips to the tango or holding a mic serenading you a Pilita Corales' song. And this is the main reason my friends would usually tease me to render them my own Pilita style. I get it from the grannie-goose.


I bet you might be wondering what Clarya stands for. Because we are four Maria Claras in the family, and she is fond of summoning each of us in Clara. Clarya is when she meant to reprimand us not to act señorita around the house.

Grammer doesn't only treat us to dine out. It could be early in the morning she will phone you to have breakfast somewhere. Or in the midnight, when she feels like wanting some Chinese soup and hot bread. And of course, the balut vendor won't have to leave us until our avidity for the pitiful fetal duck eggs were gratified. She is a real treat!

I adore her penchant for details and colors. She is imeldific herself. It should always be terno the color of her dress to the shade of her shoes. And I wouldn't have to miss her shopping spree. Whatever she buys, I also have mine to take home.

Ahhh, the joys of having Grammer around. Even if it irritated me when she'd bawl out my name in Mariela, I would know we're in truce for something. But I love her just like that.

     It is yet the start of the week, but I want it to end soonest. Aside from those trips that have long been neglected, I can no longer wait. Among the many things that I look forward to... Dichi's arrival this weekend and hopefully the many weekends that we will be spending time together us girls (cuatro hermanas, cuatro Maria's). Secondly, our aunt's wedding on May. This will be her second walk to the aisle. And the idea of a private Indian wedding psyched us all. I can not be absent to this bright event filled with ritual and celebration that would last for several days. By hook or by crook I will be there.
     On another note, a schoolmate back in elementary is asking me to collaborate with her a phlog (a photoblog which she wanted to nick as 365 days of happiness). I didn't confirm yet. Perhaps if time would permit me, I will send her some of my captured still.
     Meanwhile, I would try to display here, at least a picture a day, of what I feel lack of late.


     To begin with, I miss us together. As one family praying together. As one family despite its broken home. Just us, in our Ma's cradling arms.

A picture of us during Achi's wedding.

Pa wasn't able to attend,

but our little brother came.

(This photo was captured through my then smart phone.)

鳩山由紀夫

Now I'm more thrilled! Japan's Prime Minister wants to follow my tweets. He should better not read my nonsense :D

From: Twitter <twitter-followreq-marrihliesse=yahoo.com@postmaster.twitter.com>

Date: 2010年3月15日 18:45:25JST
To: marrihliesse@yahoo.com
Subject: 鳩山由紀夫 has requested to follow you on Twitter!
Reply-To: noreply@postmaster.twitter.com

Hi, marrihliesse hatoyamayukio has requested to follow your tweets on Twitter! A little information about 鳩山由紀夫: 397352 followers 96 tweets following 62799 people Since you protect your tweets, you need to either approve or deny this request. You can do this by visiting http://twitter.com/friend_requests. For more information or help, please visit our help article The Twitter Team If you'd rather not receive follow request emails from Twitter, you can unsubscribe immediately. To resubscribe or change other Twitter email preferences, visit your account settings to manage email notices. Please do not reply to this message; it was sent from an unmonitored email address. This message is a service email related to your use of Twitter. For general inquiries or to request support with your Twitter account, please visit us at Twitter Support.

Drifting

     
     When I left the Philippines for Japan no one ever really knew about it but my direct family. A week before some of my paternal relatives were going back here, they asked if I'd like to take a short trip to Japan before I would leave for Switzerland. (Let's just forget about Suisse for now, and not talk about the fiesta de despedida my family and friends threw out for me.) I only had three days to process all the necessary documents, and voila, I was on board seated right next to my cousin flying to the land of the rising sun... "if this would take me to understand my roots, I must be there." So I've heard myself saying.
     Now that I've been here for about five years, some people back home would always inquire my exact location. In my kaleidoscopical world, people are certain of my vagrant fits, roaming about places crewed but most often uncrewed. And for them, I only leave trails without the words. But then again, they know I hate good-bye's... hate saying good bye.
     As I continue to walk about a carefree life, they knew no more of the matter except when I postcross them of my whereabouts. Although recently I rarely write, I seldom update them even through emails. Once in a blue moon we chat online. Many a time I'm just on ignore-mode, while they are all aware I am reading their messages.
     This morning when I heard of my phone buzzed, it took me by surprise of who it was. Our high school principal. He's currently teaching English in Oman, but will soon be relocated to New York. Oh Sir, I would kill to be in your feet! Yet all talks boil down to one question, "How's your heart, Inday?" Yes, that's how my former mentor addresses me. A tender word which means in Visayan precious, dear, loved one. Though non-Visayan Filipinos would think it is synonymous for housemaid. Inday, or Indayon when I'm occupying space and time. Because I could be in real slooow motion sometimes. And I chuckled more in laughter when he spoke of a familiar name. R has become a household name and even more popular when he followed me to study at the same university. Many have thought we would end up together. But the reality between R and me have been rooted around for years... outlawed by the smocking rivalries of our fathers. Nothing will come of waiting, and as insignificant as the box he contained for me. "I'm dreadful to say all of these, but there is utterly nothing to hold onto." I am deeply sorry for myself, for R and for our mentor who has always wished for us, for their expectations of its fulfillment.
     And speaking about fulfillment, in no way or degree will I ever run for public office. Politics is not at all for me. Though I will always remain your servant.
     
     By the way, Happy 18th to my cousin Nicko!

Wünsch der na e schöni letschti stund geburii ;)

Alles gueti und be blessed.

Ich liebe dich!

Scott Davis

While this song will always make me teary-eyed,

Scott made it more emotional.

Such passion would make me

want to die in his arms ;p

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along...

Sooo invigorating and contagious!

His hands, soulful, sensitivity.

I heart him!

Queso

My last pack of string cheese until I get to my final destination. I'm

not even near Odawara yet.

Mwahugs,

Boyeng <3

Together Again

Our pick-up hasn't arrived yet.

Without Mishka though...

Nanay will be Mrs. India soon.

My, my! Ayu is little Miss Lassy now.

And our Belgian dreams... 

Trying to irk Kouhe's dad because we're too loud

inside the choo-choo train :D

Palangga

I miss you too, Pangging! Tia Boyeng is so proud of you. My angel will always be with you. Keep being smartie. I love you more.

Mwahugs,
Boyeng <3

Yuri's Embrace

Papi

My sissy told me that our dad is cooking dinner for us. So I couldn't help my excitement, though my eyes rolled when I heard "Pa is cooking dinner"... He's not the worst kind in the kitchen, nor the food he'd serve you on the table was palatable. Well, he cooks just for the heck that he has something to gobble. That's why I need to hurry my way home. And so looking forward to our dad's healthy concoction tonight.

Mwahugs,
Boyeng <3

You and me

In between us,

The breeze is uncertain of its path
Distinctiveness, individuality.

What's in a life?
Striving to be different
when it so hastily fleets.

And in this serenity I reflect
What the world could be
Even without you or me
That our absence
Will not hinder a hundred sunsets
Or a thousand births.

That my loss
Will not matter
For the world will continue turning
Even as I continue dying
Life will go on
Without me and you.

Sentiments

It's true that it is during solitude that we make the wisest of decisions. Or so I hope...

Catching up on old friends is an experience that is rich, enlightening and rewarding. Your heart is always at peace and your spirit soars to new heights. And if you're lucky, you just might find the answers to questions that have long been nagging you. It is a must. It must be a habit.

So I said if I can make it as a completely different story... One day I'll fly away, leave all these to yesterday... 

Wouldn't it be nice if our souls growled when they were hungry, like our stomachs do?

Never lay down everything you have. It is the greatest respect you can give yourself. For if, in the case that, the last remaining autumn leaf falls down from its branch, you will have something to draw upon in the harshest of deep winter cold. So that come spring, you can summon what remains of you to bloom one more time. And in the summer, you are already brand new.

Sometimes, or all the time, we need to wary of the things we show to others because most often than not, it is who we are and they may not understand.

I want to hit the road and go on a lonely planet-style roadtrip to nowhere... craving for anonymity.

As I lay me down to sleep tonight, it is always with the hope of rising up to a new day. Though often taken for granted, that hope is something I'm thankful for.

What is it...
about a stranger’s smile that makes you glow...
Suddenly, in an instant, everything’s known.
What is it about a lover’s kiss that makes time stand still?
And his stare that makes you feel naked and real?
What is it about the sun that makes all things bearable,
Or the bright blue sky that shows unlimited possibilities?
What is it about the rain that makes you feel safe and warm?
Or a cup of hot chocolate, nestled in a room corner,
And you’re far from harm.
What is it about goodbyes that hurt?
Or why overcoming obstacles make you feel you’re on top of the world?
What is it about love at first sight,
When two hearts start to take flight?
What is it about the moon and stars that heal,
Or the shadows of the night that feel surreal.
Covered in darkness, I find,
As I slowly start to lose my mind.
What is is about my existence,
Everything hidden
While everything seen
Needing intimacy,
Yet pushing it away so fiercely?
What is it about this emptiness I feel inside me,
And will I ever know
What it takes to be completely happy,
And what is the cost?
For in this place and time,
With everything she has,
This little girl
Is simply
Lost.

Humdrum

Dichi's fave


One of my childhood friends most requested song!



Sitti in her Bossa Nova version...


Not in her best condition, but she pulled it through.

Let's Talk

While at the station right now, waiting for the bus. I'm bored. And the weather is not friendly for a walk. Anyone here who wants a call from me? I'm up for a long chat.

     I better get up now, get out of this nook. Pa is calling me out from the other room. We haven't had a conversation since I arrived home this noon. I was soaked wet in the rain and appeared agitated when I came in. I was clearly indisposed to talk with anyone, and dismissed him because I'm unwell. And he got the picture, the sour look in my face. I dashed myself to the bath, and in a jiffy I was in dreamland.

     So I better be in a friendly state now and receive his persistently prompting of dinner.

     (I'm optimistic that he won't notice my now fleshy legs...)

BFF

I'm having spasmodic pains in my cervix area. At times like this, I

need my bff to cheer me up and wipe away all of my tears. My face is

spelling out P-A-I-N all over.

     For three sleepless nights drove my neurons to exhaustion. I thought I must have had pushed a wrong button when I was trying to synchronize my phone to the computer. Although I must admit that I am slightly dumb to the OS of my computer, because I'm still using the Japanese version since it was bought. I kid you not! I've been communicating with this computer in a lingo so foreign to me. The program updates, the change of browser, downloading of files and whatnots... Imagine my confused stare as I look blankly to the kanji texts trying to tell me to do something. Most often it really frustrates me, because it makes me feel that I am illiterate to it. Though it is true that I am no genius to the Japanese language, but please, I am no dumb to computer stuff. Oh well, somehow I have managed to maintain this love-hate relationship, for almost three years now with this pink notebook which I called Lushie.

     And it was not my first to have lost a 3G connection in my phone. It usually happens when I do sync it with my notebook. But it'll be back after all the necessary updates were made. Or, if I were in a place where my phone network has a weak signal strength. Unfortunately, I am caving in such place. So I am getting used to the on/off 3G connection with my phone. I thought that was just it three nights ago. Weak signal. But the following day, I was getting worried. I tried to tinker it, reconnect with my computer again. My conscious efforts were put to zilchness for three long nights. I almost threw it to the wall. Nuh, I just dropped it in my sack (wink).

     Yesterday, I went to the nearest office to have it check. I went there thirty and an hour early. Waiting... patiently... standing in the cold. A little stride here and there. Until I couldn't hold a minute longer, I rushed back to attend to my work. So this morning, I went to open the shop. Oh yes, I came in early again before the staff. I welcomed their arrival gladly with a greet. As soon as I was received in, I was just amazed by the phone agent's explanation... I'm sorry, did I hear it right? There's a month of bill that I forgot to pay? When I came here last week to pay for last month's bill, and nobody ever told me that I've missed a month? And that was a December bill? Last year? Dang, man! Please, don't humiliate me?! I may not speak best in Nihonggo, but please, you're paid to be of best service to your customers, they may be Nihonjin and or, gaijin. If I had missed to pay that was supposed to be last year's billing, why didn't they inform me last week when I was there to settle my account? Don't make me feel stupid. It will show in your system. Right there in your pc, in front of your eyes. All you have to do is just tell me, that 'hey gaijin, you have yet an account payable!'

     Anyway, now that my iPhone is back. I can now blog anytime I want to, and wherever I am. All that I have to wait for now is the statement of billing/received payments that I have requested, of which will be sent in a week's notice.

     For some reasons, I've been eyeing the Google phone now and thinking of shifting to another phone network.

"Kiitos!"

Epic performance!

Tarja's final concert with the Finnish melodic-symphonic-gothic metal band "Nightwish"


And for the finale, 
their version of The Phantom Of The Opera is just jaw-dropping awesome!
Power voice, bombastically cinematic.