Hottie Aya!

Do I really need to pay ¥777 Twitter 'book'?

My two friends in the backseat.

Gift

Lunch treat ;)

Tadaima

This blog has not been updated for quite long. I've been here and there. And my thoughts have gone too places, or must've left them somewhere on my way back. In this roadtrip it never stop to amaze me how far I could go. There're times that I would live in the edge. Doubts would lurk in, dark clouds stalking in every step. But it didn't cue me to take the trip to downhill. I have chosen to segue to that course, which stretched to smoothed highways or take me to a haul. Most oft I would see myself in the damps, and wake up away from the shaft of rays. Yet knowing that I am standing in a round surface, I couldn't be turned upside down. For it's all written up there in the vast skies. Shining as of light.

Bert and Ernie in Boston

Bert and Ernie in Boston by Daryl Cagle *MSNBC.com; posted Nov. 23, 2003

I miss karaoke nights in the land of Abu Sayaff. Those days when the sound of bombs felt like distant rumblings. And we would just ignore it and sing to our heart's content.

Right?!

Find a boy who you can run to; with tears running down your face and the first thing he says is "Whose ass am I kicking babe?" ~read it from somewhere :D

strange these days
when heart speaks
no language but love
these days
streets seem bright
like the silhouette of dreams
oddly these days
my eyes seek no words
but the stir in your mind
and these days
despair and longing
ignored by you.

as the sun rises high
light dawns on thee
breathing down the horizon
as it warms me faithfully
as the sun talks of summer
the beach whispers in my ear
of hideaways and escapades
with aims of breaking free
as midnight falls silently
your voice echoes in my slumber
through winds of melancholy
filled with fear and agitation
as the day embarks again
music sets the tone of time
those fleeting moments with you
etched hauntingly in my mind
as the sun sets to dusk
pray, tell your intention
for this being full of angst
dying in my solitude
as i gaze to the heavens
in my parallel universe
i wish for an instance
so surreal yet sublime

Erstwhile

The cries of a cherubim turn futile when I look up to the skies in prostration. The harp renders melodies of a weeping willow scarced of leaves. Famished befall her, yet a seed of light sprout on its trunk. Fluffs of white from distant north breathes her way... A bud in its full bloom.

***

I've made mistakes in my life, countless times. But it didn't stop me to try and learn new things. I do always allow new experiences that come my way.

I bump. I stumble. I falter. Yet I continue to face my day and challenge difficulties. I also believe that I would never learn just by sitting in a pious throne. Don't get me wrong. I'm not really a bad wolf... Or a lost soul who'd gone astray. In the dailiness of life, in search for the true meaning of existence, I live by grace and practice what I believe the teachings of a Supreme Being. I believe in God. I do love Him. And I live for Him. But in this journey, I wouldn't want to be a hypocrite who claims her life to be a spotless slate. No, I am humbly sorry for my sins. Many hearts have bled for me, and that would have gnawed my whole being to shame, put me in a cage of seclusion.

If only I could tell "I'm only doing what I think is not wrong for you, but I couldn't see myself anymore..." My world is my stage, but you condemn me. You shout out applauses, but you never know how it feels when the curtains close down. When you shout "encore", let me do what I think is right for me now.

I don't need you to affirm what you believe is the right path for me. I need to see you behind my back, not sadly crying, but with a smile that gives warmth to a bruised spirit taking a roadtrip to the unknown. I don't need you to look at me with regret; because I have endured resignedly my failures and frustrations.

I don't need you to tell me the lessons I should learn from life. I'm telling you I've had enough. Yet it didn't thwart me of a lifelong dream. I need you to listen to my pains when I drop all my defenses. I need you to listen to what I'm not saying.

And I need to be at peace with myself when the world points an accusing finger at me. My silence won't kill you; but the noises of conformity and morality have repulsed me to live like a recluse, often in solitude.

I don't need you to question me; even myself, I carry further in time of what I sought. I only need you to understand that this is still me. I'm no angel. But a a child who has lost her halo at once.

Mwahugs,
Boyeng <3

She Wrote

Our love started with so much hope, so many dreams. It was a fairy tale that took us both by surprise. It blossomed into a love that was bonded and true. Our memories are filled with so much joy and so much pain. In my heart I know the joy outweighs the pain. I want to embrace the joy and hold it close to my heart where it can live forever. I want to remember the pain as a lesson, a lesson of how much we almost lost. A lesson of life to be lived with a memory of how not to be. We can never hide from each other again. This journey I ask you to walk with me will be joyous at times and rough. I don't offer you perfection. I offer you, me who has weakness. I know that we haven't talked about what we went through, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about it each and every day. You don't know how much I wish that I could be lying there with you whispering in your ear my heart's deepest desires. When you're here, I can't speak. Grabe, I want to discuss or explain things with you pero hindi ko magawa because of your limited time. I wish I could offer you promises. I wish I could paint a future with no uncertainties. But I have none to offer. I have no idea what the future holds for us. I just know I want us to experience it together. I think it will be an adventure. Even as I write the word adventure I know what it means. We have shared so many, and they have never had to be earth shaking. They are the little ones that have climbed into our hearts and found a home. They are the kind that have created the sweetest memories. They are the kind that only you and I can share and appreciate. That's where my love for you comes from. That and knowing so many new memories await.

I wish that there was a way to make time stop and go back to a time when we were happy. We both know that before we can go back to being one, we need to change things about ourselves in order to make this relationship last. I hope that one day we can find a way to get past this, but until that day comes I want you to know that I will wait for your answer because my love for you is never ending. I want you to know that I truly loved you so much. Don't let our love fade away and our memories be scattered to the winds. I want us to work things out, and though it might not be possible, if you're willing... I want to try. I should have realized from the beginning that I never had any reason to be scared. And if for whatever reason things don't work out between us, or if you choose to remain as a friend, that's fine with me. I will take it as destiny or fate passed me by and that we just weren't meant to be together. Whatever the outcome might be, I know that I am so happy to still have you as a part of my life.

*****

If you're reading this, I wish you well. I truly understand what you're going through right now. I've been there too... feelings were miserably jilted... heart's mangled begging for reasons... I was maimed for trying. Yet in the end, being magnificently jettisoned has taken me into a few rides. Those weren't same as my first but I found myself moving on. Believe me, it took years for that salt to melt away in my wounded heart. I lost my compass awaiting for the attraction of the sun and moon once again. They never coincided. And a large stream of water tided off the reef. I wept; I lamented for lost hopes, for the newfound freedom, for understanding the significance of someone. However, nursing a dementia will brilliance of memory traces gradually dim in Alzheimer's time. If you'd esteem for my opinion.

Thank you for writing though.

Mwahugs,

Boyeng <3

Bulilit

I miss you, my Disney Princess. I'm watching MJ's Memorial right now. I wish you were here beside me and sing "Dangerous" all night long. Always be good to Lala.

Airport

We still had ample time to waste before boarding. I didn't know my sister took pics of Mishka and me playing tag in this wide expansion :)
***
A month of Silk Road experience... still considering about the trip. I'm honestly broke :D Oh Buddha, enlighten me. The offer or the offer? :D

Kouhe's

It was past midnight when we left the karaoke bar. And these two were still "genki" that we all decided to stroll around the alleys in a neighborhood in Yokohama. We stopped by at a videoshop to rent some DVDs. But looky here, these two were inseparable :)

Sashimi

Take a lustful look, my lovelies :D

X

My phone has been breathing for a while an irrepressible nausea. If pain or pleasure were audible, I put on my shoes ill-humoredly and trod these narrow streets of this alien world. In such a mood then that seethes in me, let me thread on those verses so beautiful and strange that I venture to think of writing them down.

"You are the kindest person I met in my life. And most truthful. I don't know if it's right or wrong. I still think a lot about you." Sadly and deeply moved... Are these muffled psalm of regret or thanksgiving?

"Though we have moved on too far, I still care for you." But no, we should end it here. There are no good byes that won't hurt. And there are no good byes that won't lead you to a new beginning.

I always believe that time has its own manifestations. Suffice it to say, we had our own fated moment or at once, a period of disposal. Be happy now with the course of life you're in. I'm a grateful heart that you have confided in me your prolonged privation. Yes, you are in the right track. Happy wedding, and may you have a blessed marriage.

Mwahugs,
Boyeng <3

This is how our baby sleeps. She just turned 3 yesterday. "I'm a big girl already!" And I challenged her how big she is when she's not even half as tall as me. She was in a deep thought for a while, and later on, let out a big sigh... "I'm a little girl, but I will become big just like Tia because I eat a lot of lettuce, and it's good for the eyes." Ok, whatever you say so...
I put on her new pair of dia while she's still snoring. Though she kind of jerked and pushed my hand when I put them on, I did it anyway :D I hope she won't ask me to take the pair off tomorrow when she wakes up.

I like!

Yaya

Fooling around with Ayu-chan, while her mom went to gossip with the girls.

Brat

"I don't want to go home to the Philippines. Mommy can go, but I will

stay and wait here in Japan."

Boreas

I count the days
chase the blue skies
watching the leaves
fall into grey;
a foliage of auburn
and flowers wither,
yet brings forth
a myriad of hope
that opens in the snow
fondles the glacial north
when love takes its wing.

Power Puff Girls

While we were waiting for her mom who went to knock one of the doors in this building, so we decided to do random pictures. We were so much having fun in this narrow street. Unpretending of the eyes laid on us, it didn't both stop us. She wouldn't, I should say.

Best Friends

My Ma has caught up the bug lately. She's officially occupied in social networking. Yeah right, you will see her in Friendster, and just aeons ago, she's signing up an account in Facebook :) Anyroad, that's cool. And I got to see my two babies, though, in pictures that Ma has uploaded in her page. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Zaki and Ishi, lovely Akita spitz! They're now both 3 years old.



I sooo miss, miss, miss you two. I bet Ma has given a lot of attention to both of you. Because she can't leave nor move to another place without you mongrels.

Oldies

...she laid back on her bed, thoughts racing in her head, why can't my love be beautiful, she said. And she closed her eyes again, just praying he'd return, ...but only darkness ...fell upon her. ~Wolfgang

Le 01/04/08 01:03, « mariale ohya » a écrit :

I know not for which fate is worse: to have not opened my heart at all or to have loved and lost someone as I did. There is one thing I know though. Loving him was a sweet misery. I loved him as I love life itself, but I was certain that I would never be in his arms for he longs to hold another. I have resigned to the fact that I shall be with him only in my dreams.

He once came into my loneliness and stirred the passion in my heart from its disturbed slumber. He was the beautiful sun, which rose for me on that beautiful morning of a new day of my life. His existence was enough reason for me to be born and entrusted to this void we call our world. I was hurt, maybe I still am. I thought I would never fall in love again. I was scared and lost my trust in love because it brought me nothing but despair. I knew that the glory of that morning would not last. For it must give way to night time, when the beautiful sun, which had heralded the coming of a new day, would become my pitiless tormentor. My affection for him then was my own passion.

He was my cruel tyrant.

It is now my desire to be strong, to never allow my heart to be broken again. Silly how he came barging in and while I refuse to open, I detrimentally failed to shut the door. Well perhaps loving him was like writing poetry: creating a thing of beauty, a heart's song, yet a song I was afraid to sing, for my ballad might be mocked and my love rejected. Nonetheless, life itself is short and passing. No matter what happened, I have learned not to let my song to the grave. I can only be nothing but hopeful.

Maybe my love for him will someday fade with the setting of the sun. But until such time when I will no longer be a slave of my own passion, I shall continue to master the art of letting go. There can be nothing more apt than this.

Le 09/04/08 06:56, « mariale ohya » a écrit :

I cannot find the right words to explain how I kept myself sane over the past years of being just by myself, of being alone on Friday nights. My sanity lies in the realization that neither myself nor my destiny can ever control the truth about having a relationship.

I was born alone, why would I kill myself just to have someone in my bed?

Gloria Steinem said: "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." Just like a fish, I could still swim the deep waters; without even learning how to walk, even ride bikes. Yes, I have survived years without the comforts of a partner because I am a woman.

Sadness could devour me like a forest fire, but my mind keeps telling me that I can be happy, that I can be normal; even though my hormones are now going haywire. Sometimes, I would just scream at the top of my lungs to release the pressures of being alone. And then, I would just come back to my senses and realize that in my solitude I found the person who would always be there for me... myself.

Looking past the mirror in front of me, I see what is beyond the lines forming under my eyes, with brows slowly shaping into an arch of non-conformity. I see the nakedness of my femininity reaching its value. I do not see curves, rather it is the simplicity of being who I am that suppresses the madness.

Insanity... I have no clue what that means anymore.

28

Happy Birthday to me!

Ballad of Wonder

(anonymous)

Place upon the cravings of the early morning,
From which the heart shall claim the sky,
The soul that never rest from knowing
A shell of dreams that never die.

Thus, move with the shadows doubt
And believing the void without,
And living slightly less regretting,
While knowing powers deep within.

And curse, and play, and give, and feel
The many things so profoundly real.
Again, and again the mind still wonder
The thousand mysteries to love and ponder.

For soon this frail vehicle of flesh and blood
Shall pass with time and turn to mud,
But the mind and the heart will still be glad
For all the wonders that they once had.

April Fool's Day

Another family portrait. This time when Mishka invades Ginza.

Queueing for dessert.

Swiss Miss Family

I missed my ever cousin Nico. And his tie is a delight to my eyes. Pink. My favorite.

ZED

It's been a long day. But I have to rush back home. Our branch manager called up more than thrice today, telling me a lot of excuses. He's been weird lately. I know he was just checking out on me. Imagine whilst I was snorring in a make-believe world yesterday, there were constant ringing from him. So I had to show him the files he was pestering me about. Now he's being crazy, with a side-note of the whereabouts of my "date". He can't just shut up. I had no choice but to slap it to his face that I do have a life. And here I am trying to get the super-express ride, just so I could drop by the office to print the files he's oh-so-fuming about. When I get there, I would like to remind him for the weeks that he was not around, that I would like him to be exiled forever in Kobe or back to Tokyo, because he's driving us mad whenever he's around. Yes, I'm mad and I'm going to lambaste that to his face. Argh, I have to get my gibberish perfectly articulate now. I wish I would morph into Zed's image and totally speak in a foreign tongue.

Wine Overdose

As I look between the beer and the iced tea

Pondering which makes more sense

I tremble in my seat

I need a wine

Oh, where's the loo?

A mic comes handy.

Everyday I look for you
Unexpected futility
Among the wooden havens
The falling leaves
The mysterious corners
The memorable scenes
Unexpected futility
Answers me
Oh, you moved on
Away...
Away from here,
Away from me.

Mwahugs,
Boyeng <3

I don't want to pretend that I'm not hurt with my decision. But yes, I have to stand firm protecting myself from getting 'crunched'... I know I'm too selfish to push you away. If I could make you understand how I truly feel, I wouldn't mind getting 'crunched' to the core. But I don't like how it will kill me when slowly the sparks would disappear. So I'm flying away, which means flying away from the comfort of your Big Wings. May you find your little wings somewhere in time.

~nipped.

Carl Raymon

Woohoo! I woke up from a buzz of delivery-call. A package from Hakodate, Hokkaido.
It's a loot of chocolates and more chocolates from white to dark... Yum! More Japanese goodies, those sweet mochi. Sticky! Of course, Carl Raymon's packs of sausages. A book. An album, set of pictures of places I would like to be at, whenever I feel like thinking and to be secluded from the madding crowd. Oh, there's me! Woot! I have to unpack now before I'd dig memories from the past.

Weekend

For the moment :)

Think Of Me

I've got me some post V-day present. What a surprise from our branch manager! I'm wondering if he's half-Japanese, or just because I am when I'm not???

St. Valentine's

For Kokim and R-yo who both were asking me to send them chocolates to save their reputation (LOL) at their respective offices, of being dateless on this hearts day... You two pick your own choice :p I tried, actually my first, but I couldn't have made it perfectly well. Anyhow, by the time I'll send each to both of you, the look would be more unsightly I guess. I only have a picture to offer :p

Cheers to everyone, and happy birthday to my sister! And to lovely Odette too, hugs on your birthday.

Like any other Valentine's day, I still opt to be alone than crowd myself to the commercialism of a supposed special day.

***On phone conversation with Kokim...

"Won't there be a solution to your problem of not being sociable? Or but, you wouldn't relate yourself to anybody who is way different to your perspective?"

Whatever it may be, I don't have qualm about it.

Squid

One of my yummy faves :p

Singaporean Seafood

It's quite dark. This is only what my iPhone could get. But I don't care that much. My stomach's growling already for that Thai crab dinner (crab in curry sauce).

Our first course is here already. Just check out the place. It's right in front of Shinagawa station.

Begin forwarded message:

From: <YOU>

Date: 2009年1月22日 2:30:18:JST

To: <ME>

Subject: Is there anybody out there...

Your silence is ice

blue void of cold wisper

of sound anticipated

of cracking hope

Silence. I hear words I wish

and all those I fear

Are you hiding in silence?

Are you lost in pain?

Flap your wings, angel

Make the wind roar

of your will to live

Obstinated fighter.

My heart knows no words... I wish you were here to give me that warmth of your embrace, to kiss the tiny pearls falling down my cheeks.

I am still breathing. Although I find the pressures and responsibilities of life nowadays unbearable. I am still swimming in the surface, scaling that wall.

I have dreamt of you. It was so vivid that I could actually feel you. But I woke up from the reality that you were never around. I gasped for air, because I was crying when your image was slowly fading away from me. I walked my way to the fridge and found my half-drunk glass of milk. I didn't want to remember how I feel so alone in that dream. After I went to the loo, I checked my phone and I've got this. From then, it never stopped raining until all I could remember in the morning how heavy my heart was.

I don't think I will ever see you. And I don't think I will ever be with you. 

Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life.

自分を信じるのです。一生、幸せに付き合っていられる自分を自ら作り出すのです。

Golda Meir
ゴルダー・メイヤー

Sometimes I feel my heart fall to vague depths between words. There are such spaces that I can't help but feel. My heart fall between the pregnant pause of all you will not say and all I can not ask.

Mishka

With her Tito-Ninong, her godfather, who she just fondly calls as Kokim. I think she's confused how to address her Tito Kokim, Ninong Kokim, Tito-Ninong... though she could utter straight the above honorifics, she opted for a shorter name-calling in a high-pitched stress.

To Narita

Off to the airport right now...

I need the eye-shut. I only had 4 hours of sleep. I made a cab reservation, so I have to be prim and proper on the time scheduled. Good thing this cab driver is very kind. He gallantly opened and closed the door for me. He even patiently waited for me downstairs, outside his car in a freezing cold, yet calling me through the interphone if I were ready. But nuh, he picked up a croaking voice.

Now he just let me slip to my dreamy world.

Thank you, Katou-san. Wake me up when we're there already.

Benri

It means convenient in Japanese. And for the people that surround me, it also means 'yours truly'.

There were times that I would like to give up, during those times that I so wished I was blind and deaf. I was on this threshold of fumigating my frustrations toward them. I could hardly breathe that I have become mute, as it has always been. I've had to be a pillar despite my prostrations.

I may be an ant, without nothing but only hard labor to carry on her back, unconspicuous to what seems a busy life they own. I don't bite like an ant though, you still don't have the right to step on me. However I was never blind nor deaf to your inconveniences.

Chains

Both of my faves are about to say goodbye... so are the moments?

Frazzled

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is."

私ができることは、自分自身であること。たとえ自分という存在が、どんな人間であろうとも。

Bob Dylan
ボブ・ディラン

お正月

Oshougatsu no maguro sashimi.

Tuna. Yum!

2009

Akemashite Omedetou Gozaimasu!

Mwahugs,
Boyeng <3