Erstwhile

The cries of a cherubim turn futile when I look up to the skies in prostration. The harp renders melodies of a weeping willow scarced of leaves. Famished befall her, yet a seed of light sprout on its trunk. Fluffs of white from distant north breathes her way... A bud in its full bloom.

***

I've made mistakes in my life, countless times. But it didn't stop me to try and learn new things. I do always allow new experiences that come my way.

I bump. I stumble. I falter. Yet I continue to face my day and challenge difficulties. I also believe that I would never learn just by sitting in a pious throne. Don't get me wrong. I'm not really a bad wolf... Or a lost soul who'd gone astray. In the dailiness of life, in search for the true meaning of existence, I live by grace and practice what I believe the teachings of a Supreme Being. I believe in God. I do love Him. And I live for Him. But in this journey, I wouldn't want to be a hypocrite who claims her life to be a spotless slate. No, I am humbly sorry for my sins. Many hearts have bled for me, and that would have gnawed my whole being to shame, put me in a cage of seclusion.

If only I could tell "I'm only doing what I think is not wrong for you, but I couldn't see myself anymore..." My world is my stage, but you condemn me. You shout out applauses, but you never know how it feels when the curtains close down. When you shout "encore", let me do what I think is right for me now.

I don't need you to affirm what you believe is the right path for me. I need to see you behind my back, not sadly crying, but with a smile that gives warmth to a bruised spirit taking a roadtrip to the unknown. I don't need you to look at me with regret; because I have endured resignedly my failures and frustrations.

I don't need you to tell me the lessons I should learn from life. I'm telling you I've had enough. Yet it didn't thwart me of a lifelong dream. I need you to listen to my pains when I drop all my defenses. I need you to listen to what I'm not saying.

And I need to be at peace with myself when the world points an accusing finger at me. My silence won't kill you; but the noises of conformity and morality have repulsed me to live like a recluse, often in solitude.

I don't need you to question me; even myself, I carry further in time of what I sought. I only need you to understand that this is still me. I'm no angel. But a a child who has lost her halo at once.

Mwahugs,
Boyeng <3