I love you with a love so profound. Your imaginings will never contain the vastness of My love. Please, believe Me when I say, this is everlasting.

I allowed these things to beseech you because I want you to grow. I want that little mustard seed of faith to grow roots. I want you to not just feel Me, I want you to have a taste of Me--- a taste of the streams of living water that your soul quenches for. I want you to have a faith so real. It literally grips your every being.

I want you to seek Me with all Your heart, soul and mind. I want to have an intimate, rich, satisfying relationship with you. I want for you to want the things I want, to be involved in the things I am passionate for. I want you to live the way I did, because it is the only way to live.

I want you to be a salt and light to a flavorless world. I want your life to count. I want you to be selfless. I want to use you for the people around you who are consumed with so much worry, their hearts are shut to what I so lovingly offer.

I want to change you little by little, everyday until it becomes so crystal clear to you; what you're here for.

I want you to cry out to me everyday. That apart from Me, you will always feel dried up and racked with discontent.

I want you show others how rewarding it is to have Me as a friend.

I preserved you for a reason and for a purpose. And I will reveal it to you in My time, My terms. But know always that it is far more than you can ever imagine. And it's going to be everything that you could ever want, and more.

I do these things not to smite you. I so badly desire for a vessel for my love for others. And you might think yourself as a bench warmer. But I have such great plans for you. I want you to be part of the plays. I want you to be involved. I want you to lead. I want you to be driven to and for me.

I hear your cries, your frustrations and your lamentations. I see your heart so clearly. I am not oblivious, nor am I nonchalant to your struggles. But see, I want a heart that is more than wanting my blessings. I want a heart that seeks ME like no other. I, Myself… not because I am able to give.

I wipe away every single tear you ever shed. Yet, until I break down all the forces that keep you from reaching out to Me, I will lull you to sleep with utmost compassion.

I have given you My word, as guide. I want you to read, study and live it out. Make it real.

I want you to focus on what's important, and that alone is ME. All these things you want, I will add it according to My riches and glory.

I want you to simplify. There's a lot you put worth on that crowds your every self. It chokes the faith I daily instill on you. Remember that you do not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from My mouth. I am the Life.

I want you to know that image, career, romance or even your family can never quite take My place. All these are fleeting and momentary. I contain the streams of living water. I motion you to come and drink of Me because I had you in mind when I laid down My life for you.

I want to give you eyes to see the things I am doing for you. I want you to appreciate that I am so much more than how far your eyes can take you. I know the ends of the horizons.

I want to give you ears to listen to my whispers in your daily undertaking. I want to sharpen your ability to hear because I gifted you with so much. I don't want you to miss out on My blessings. You, be my mouthpiece, please listen well.

I want to give you My heart. I see that you really want to have a heart after Me. And I am so pleased that you come up to me in utmost brokenness and humility. I take you up in my arms. I will piece all of you together for My glory.

I am excited to do great and mighty things for you. Just you wait and see.

I am your strength. Your portion. Your deliverer.

I have planted eternity in your heart. And if you seek  Me all of your days, this I promise you again and again, I will be with you always, even through the ends of age.

Oh Father, My Lord, My God…

I need You. I cannot go through this without You. You're the only constant force in my life, and there’s no greater being Who can carry me through this undertaking.

Purge me Father. Bring out into the open— my thoughts, my words, my broken spirit; all of which I know, is tainted with matters of this world that keep me hearing Your cricket of a voice.

Keep me afloat from the sham and pulls of this world. That I may truly live the way You modeled living. Let me not keep Yourself shrouded from my human-ness, and show me Your ways, the best pathways to take for my life.

Let me see people, situations, through Your eyes. That I, myself, be humbled by how uniquely You shaped each of us.

Make my life count for You.

His farewell pose. Till next week!

Slept the holiday blues away, I figured the loneliness and the excruciating wanting will ebb away through osmosis. What were the chances of that happening?




Aimlessly surfed on a couple of websites, trying so hard to push away thoughts of merriment and festivities. No such luck there either.




Buried my nose in a confronting, insightful book, my mind constantly wanders to the life I used to have led. Nothing seems to work.




I virtually did all I could to soothe this yearning; to no avail.




Put on some sappy Filipino movie, that I'm not so fond of, just to seemingly drown out creeping reminiscent scenarios of yesteryears... so vivid and compelling. Yet it drowned me in deep tears, drenched my pillows.




This yearning...




It's about time that I need a cuddle.

Darkness beseech me

Of blooming trees in pink

This heart wailing to the moon.

Headturners!

My heart has been restless of late. Stress level is rising. I wanted to just shout out and release all the tension I'm harboring inside. I wanted to write something... anything... just to keep my sanity intact.

But words seem to escape me. Every time I attempted to touch my keyboards I immediately press delete. Everything seems so senseless. So immature and so unworthy to be written. My mind is protesting every time I stop trying. Think! My mind shouts, as if commanding the will to create something that will ease the burden it's carrying.

Writing has always been a sort of therapy for me. It eases the pain of my heart whenever it gets broken. It stills my mind whenever it becomes restless due to so many things. It unburdens my shoulder, knowing that a part of its load has been lightened.

But lately, my mind is in a battle against its own. All of a sudden freedom of expression has encountered its nemesis. The fear of exposure. Ironic as it may seem. All of a sudden the very thing that liberates my soul is threatening to become a prison wall, that might actually shut me off to oblivion.

I wanted so bad to express how I feel, what I want and what I desire the most. But the very thought of it, even brings more tension to the stress that my otherwise carefree mind is experiencing right now.

So I remain in this tight reign of guarding my thoughts. Trying, with all my will and might, to tame the train of thoughts that run a wild. Lest I, in my folly, expose everything in those trains not minding the harmful gases it emits in the air, that I myself breathes from.

So for now, I shut up. For now I stay on guard. For now I lay still. For now I battle my own desires. For I know one day I will be set free, nay, I will be rescued. For I know that right now, my knight is preparing to conquer the vast abyss that separates us. He is gearing for the battle that will include slaying dragons and overcoming dangerous journeys. Until he emerges victorious and ready to claim what has been destined to be his. His bride...

So for now. I let my heart scream... in silence.

Lord, I need grace...

Some people can really be mean with their judgement. They think being in the first world country made them ahead of you. And I feel sorry for them. Because they never act as cultured as the words came out from their mouth. Anyroad, I will never stoop down to their level.

Think happy thoughts.

And I think of our little girl, who will never be second rate in all things she does. I'm so proud of you, my beauty! I love you, chu!

     This is one of those afternoons when you are mustering all of your energy to grab some shut-eye to make you look psyched for work. I strictly work on alternate shifts, so the circadian rhythm is so screwed. And no matter how you toss and turn flipping much like that of an acrobat on alcohol withdrawal (sauvignon consumption), your eyes grow so wide it's like you've had a puff of joint. So what do you do then? Bury yourself on the next best thing. Write everything that's crowding in your mind; get some steam off of your chest and let go of the reigns of the written word.

     Would you believe that it just occurred to me that I'm still shy of my stay here in Japan? No matter how trite the cliche sounds, time really does fly by so fast. It's unnerving. It's comforting. It's scary. It is downright happening before your very eyes. Life does that to you, huh? Shake you out of your senses. Or, shake you back to your senses. It did both for me. I haven't the slightest inkling I'd be here, making it on my own, missing all my loved ones back home, making a career, growing up in all aspects. It's euphoric yet nostalgic; scary but something you want to end up doing. There's the perfect idiom to describe it, catch 22.

     I was chatting with my best bud here in Japan, a couple of days ago, and I told him about the local bands I missed and their raw music. Those bands that I absolutely go gaga over. Too bad I don't have a girlfriend to scream out my lungs with when I play or see these bands on YouTube. I reckon it would've been a pretty good way to get laryngitis. Then again, it's an entirely different ballgame if I were with my friends among with the other thousand bands that we'll give audience to. My sweethearts who give me a cruddy look when I haggle shamelessly with the vendors at the market. Lovely friends who are manic drivers and who could be the biggest pain in the ass when in control of the wheels. Them, who always make me realize that part of being beautiful is when a woman learns to forgive. That I also wish this friend lives near me, or if only Tokyo were in my downtown, I would certainly gatecrash at his place and will do nothing but bum around and have movie marathon until I start to snore. Although I hate to admit it, he would laugh at me when I bawl over a syrupy Bea-John Lloyd movie.

     
     There is something about my being here that changed my perspective about myself. Well, at some point, it's bound to happen. You get so pushed to the wall, that you just have to grin and bear it. Talk about conforming to the situation. 
  

     I've learned that I can actually live alone by myself, literally and figuratively. For someone like me who is forever dependent on her mom to make decisions for her. I have done a pretty good deal of making major decisions. I am certainly not claiming I did it solely. If God weren't directing my every thought and being, I'm a walking train wreck. Thank God for His being Him! Let's not even get started on those major decisions. It's another mile-long page.

     I've learned that you can't rely on friends for your every down time. Man! You have got to find some ways to amuse yourself and really decide you don't want to be in a sour state mood. I learned that here over time, that, friends that you make almost always never have the same interests as you do. And more often than not, you are in both ends of the spectrum. You have just one common interest and that's it. So for the love of yourself and your passions, do what you love to do even when there is no one to be with you. And by that, I'm taking on my long time passion to enroll in salsa dance classes (as the flyer says, no partner necessary)

     I've learned that you have got to give people the benefit of the doubt. Well, the 30-minute-conversation you have had with a person does not make out his entire being. So you have just got to give people chances. To let them get you to know them in a different light.

     I've learned that you have got to love your work. You just have to. I work for more than 40 hours a week in a hospital. It's draining, it physically kills you. The mental challenge is more like rewiring every atomic charge there is possible in your brain. My language is obscured. You have acquired an unwelcomed habit of wrung hands from drinking too much tea to pry your sorry eyes awake. And you still have some bad days. Despite giving it your all, I've learned that that's how it goes. You get good days and bad days at work, more like bad days outweighing the good. But then again, it all boils down to loving what you do, taking in the bad with it. And with this next pronouncement, I know I'll send all readers’ jaws dropping ~I LOVE MY JOB. I love working. I have never felt so needed in caring for someone like I feel right now. It's self satisfaction. I'm working for God, and He certainly doesn't deserve mediocrity. Bottom line is, for Him, it's never work at all.

     I've learned that my passion for food and this craving for decent meals consist of ordering food when I go on duty. As for the rest of the week, I live for scrappy food. I miss going to family-friends' houses that I'm welcomed to raid their freezers or refrigerators any freaking time of day. Sadly, there's not lots here! None ever :(

     I've learned that I can go to places alone. And this I can say with mock honesty, it's like coming home from a good date every time! To put it mildly, I get so weak in the knees and all imaginable anxiety overwhelms me. Every breathing technique executed and breath prayers said outloud to major long travels. To say I'll be nervous will be the understatement of the millenium. I look forward to the time when I could go on a pilgrim by myself in Europe. When will that be? 

     In most cases, I don't follow the path of normalcy. I tend to deviate from the norm, rebel against ridiculous ordinances, outdated social mores, stupid rules and inadvertently, I love people with complicated lives. It may sound funny, but I feel that I'd go nuts if I don't go crazy. And I'm happy with the way things are.

I miss my childhood sweethearts!

     I have been staring at this blankpage for an agonizingly long half hour… and where does all my swirling thoughts take me? To nothingness.


     I am one who keeps scrutinizing every meticulous detail on ponderings and what-have-you, but for some good reason (among other things) I find myself swayed by emotions I cannot (for the life of me) fathom. It's unsettling  how you thrust yourself in a scenario you have long pushed out of your recesses. Yet, like a weed, it sprouts in the most bizarre of circumstances. And like a beckoning waterfall to an unsuspecting traveler; it lures you to its bossom where you dance, albeit, shamelessly without a hint of inhibition.


     It's like getting on a roller coaster where it scares you out of your wit’s end. Yet, you are absolutely convinced that it is a force you must reckon with. Otherwise, you are left with a wonderment that most certainly can send you careening out on a limb.


     It's so easy to get dazed on a venture where every sense is heightened, every word meaningful, every act purposeful to woo; every furtive glance, a glee; every plan with a “we”; every touch, a shield; every embrace, a promise…


     How do you dare find yourself in this cosmic realms of confusion, skeptism, cynicism, giddiness and most certainly differing levels of a high?


     You tell me…

Dichi!

Spoiled

  

I am feeling great delight when a friend mailed that he got me the book I so coveted for. The most controversial book which was just launched on March 16th, despite the suppression of its release, the withdrawal of support from the publisher and financiers in the local research funding. And it's not being circulated in any bookstore, you can't buy it anywhere else but to place order of a copy in advance, not even the established National Book Store nor Power Books, filled with terror that might be instituted legal proceedings by the Supreme Court. While it seemed that the book launching went well and the author herself book signed those copies which were bought at the event. I couldn't hold my reins but was fleeting with overjoy the whole afternoon.


One exed from my wish list. Muchas gracias!

Clarya

I miss Grammer!

     

We have numerous names for our grandmother, and she in return has peculiar names to label us. When we make introduction to our friends that she just met, she would be the grandlola or grammer (shorter term for grandmother). But among relatives, she will always be our Nanay (Tagalog for mother).


Grammer is the coolest person I know, despite her age. She is the mahjong queen at their subdivision, apart from being the dancing and singing sensation as a barangay chairwoman. If you don't find her at the mahjong table, you will definitely see her swaying her hips to the tango or holding a mic serenading you a Pilita Corales' song. And this is the main reason my friends would usually tease me to render them my own Pilita style. I get it from the grannie-goose.


I bet you might be wondering what Clarya stands for. Because we are four Maria Claras in the family, and she is fond of summoning each of us in Clara. Clarya is when she meant to reprimand us not to act señorita around the house.

Grammer doesn't only treat us to dine out. It could be early in the morning she will phone you to have breakfast somewhere. Or in the midnight, when she feels like wanting some Chinese soup and hot bread. And of course, the balut vendor won't have to leave us until our avidity for the pitiful fetal duck eggs were gratified. She is a real treat!

I adore her penchant for details and colors. She is imeldific herself. It should always be terno the color of her dress to the shade of her shoes. And I wouldn't have to miss her shopping spree. Whatever she buys, I also have mine to take home.

Ahhh, the joys of having Grammer around. Even if it irritated me when she'd bawl out my name in Mariela, I would know we're in truce for something. But I love her just like that.

     It is yet the start of the week, but I want it to end soonest. Aside from those trips that have long been neglected, I can no longer wait. Among the many things that I look forward to... Dichi's arrival this weekend and hopefully the many weekends that we will be spending time together us girls (cuatro hermanas, cuatro Maria's). Secondly, our aunt's wedding on May. This will be her second walk to the aisle. And the idea of a private Indian wedding psyched us all. I can not be absent to this bright event filled with ritual and celebration that would last for several days. By hook or by crook I will be there.
     On another note, a schoolmate back in elementary is asking me to collaborate with her a phlog (a photoblog which she wanted to nick as 365 days of happiness). I didn't confirm yet. Perhaps if time would permit me, I will send her some of my captured still.
     Meanwhile, I would try to display here, at least a picture a day, of what I feel lack of late.


     To begin with, I miss us together. As one family praying together. As one family despite its broken home. Just us, in our Ma's cradling arms.

A picture of us during Achi's wedding.

Pa wasn't able to attend,

but our little brother came.

(This photo was captured through my then smart phone.)

鳩山由紀夫

Now I'm more thrilled! Japan's Prime Minister wants to follow my tweets. He should better not read my nonsense :D

From: Twitter <twitter-followreq-marrihliesse=yahoo.com@postmaster.twitter.com>

Date: 2010年3月15日 18:45:25JST
To: marrihliesse@yahoo.com
Subject: 鳩山由紀夫 has requested to follow you on Twitter!
Reply-To: noreply@postmaster.twitter.com

Hi, marrihliesse hatoyamayukio has requested to follow your tweets on Twitter! A little information about 鳩山由紀夫: 397352 followers 96 tweets following 62799 people Since you protect your tweets, you need to either approve or deny this request. You can do this by visiting http://twitter.com/friend_requests. For more information or help, please visit our help article The Twitter Team If you'd rather not receive follow request emails from Twitter, you can unsubscribe immediately. To resubscribe or change other Twitter email preferences, visit your account settings to manage email notices. Please do not reply to this message; it was sent from an unmonitored email address. This message is a service email related to your use of Twitter. For general inquiries or to request support with your Twitter account, please visit us at Twitter Support.

Drifting

     
     When I left the Philippines for Japan no one ever really knew about it but my direct family. A week before some of my paternal relatives were going back here, they asked if I'd like to take a short trip to Japan before I would leave for Switzerland. (Let's just forget about Suisse for now, and not talk about the fiesta de despedida my family and friends threw out for me.) I only had three days to process all the necessary documents, and voila, I was on board seated right next to my cousin flying to the land of the rising sun... "if this would take me to understand my roots, I must be there." So I've heard myself saying.
     Now that I've been here for about five years, some people back home would always inquire my exact location. In my kaleidoscopical world, people are certain of my vagrant fits, roaming about places crewed but most often uncrewed. And for them, I only leave trails without the words. But then again, they know I hate good-bye's... hate saying good bye.
     As I continue to walk about a carefree life, they knew no more of the matter except when I postcross them of my whereabouts. Although recently I rarely write, I seldom update them even through emails. Once in a blue moon we chat online. Many a time I'm just on ignore-mode, while they are all aware I am reading their messages.
     This morning when I heard of my phone buzzed, it took me by surprise of who it was. Our high school principal. He's currently teaching English in Oman, but will soon be relocated to New York. Oh Sir, I would kill to be in your feet! Yet all talks boil down to one question, "How's your heart, Inday?" Yes, that's how my former mentor addresses me. A tender word which means in Visayan precious, dear, loved one. Though non-Visayan Filipinos would think it is synonymous for housemaid. Inday, or Indayon when I'm occupying space and time. Because I could be in real slooow motion sometimes. And I chuckled more in laughter when he spoke of a familiar name. R has become a household name and even more popular when he followed me to study at the same university. Many have thought we would end up together. But the reality between R and me have been rooted around for years... outlawed by the smocking rivalries of our fathers. Nothing will come of waiting, and as insignificant as the box he contained for me. "I'm dreadful to say all of these, but there is utterly nothing to hold onto." I am deeply sorry for myself, for R and for our mentor who has always wished for us, for their expectations of its fulfillment.
     And speaking about fulfillment, in no way or degree will I ever run for public office. Politics is not at all for me. Though I will always remain your servant.
     
     By the way, Happy 18th to my cousin Nicko!

Wünsch der na e schöni letschti stund geburii ;)

Alles gueti und be blessed.

Ich liebe dich!

Scott Davis

While this song will always make me teary-eyed,

Scott made it more emotional.

Such passion would make me

want to die in his arms ;p

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along...

Sooo invigorating and contagious!

His hands, soulful, sensitivity.

I heart him!

Queso

My last pack of string cheese until I get to my final destination. I'm

not even near Odawara yet.

Mwahugs,

Boyeng <3

Together Again

Our pick-up hasn't arrived yet.

Without Mishka though...

Nanay will be Mrs. India soon.