It's Sunday.

As much as I would like to write about my last Sunday, it was Easter. I attended the mass at a church in Yokohoma area where I used to live. I refuse not to talk about what have publicly became known to my old acquiantances concerning myself, that was undeniably unknown to me. Well, they can poke out their eyes and critically examined me, if they had to. I won't have qualms about it.

I have already lacked my sense of hearing of their often sensational talks about me. Heedless of whatsoever tittle-tattles, they can all blab and judge me for no reasons. But I won't debase myself by offering them what the truth is. Because if there was one error I wouldn't have to justify, is, I remain pure. This won't cause them anything. Only if they'd like to impregnate me (as always spread around) to whoever ears they'll whisper to.

Argh, I said I won't be talking. The deuce, I rant!

I need to breathe.

Everything

Surechigau toki no naka de. Anata to meguri aeta. Fushigi ne negatta kiseki ga. Konna ni mo soba ni aru nan te. Aitai omoi no mama. Aenai jikan dake ga. Sugiteku tobira suri nukete. Mata omoi dashite ano hito to waraiau, anata wo.

Itoshiki hito yo kanashimasenai de. Naki tsukarete, nemuru yoru mo aru kara. Kako wo minai de, mistumete watashi dake.

You're everything. Anata ga omou yori tsuyoku. Yasashii uso nara iranai. Hoshii no wa anata.

Dore kurai no jikan wo? Eien to yoberu darou. Hateshinaku tooi mirai nara... Anata to ikitai... Anata to nozoite mitai sono hi wo.

Itoshiki hito yo dakeshimeteite. Itsumo no you ni. Yasashii toki no naka de. Kono te nigitte, mitsumete ima dake wo.

You're everything. Anata to hanareteru basho demo. Aeba kitto yurushite shimau. Donna yoru demo. You're everything. Anata no yume miru hodo tsuyoku. Aiseru chikara wo yuuki ni. Ima kaete ikou. You're everything. Anata to hanareteru basho demo. Aeba itsumo kiesatte yuku, mune no itami mo. You're everything. My everything.

Odd Me Out

I've Been Tagged! The rules are - once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with ten weird random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end you choose ten people to be tagged, list their names, and why you chose them. No tag backs!!!

10 Strange Things About Me (at least for me)

1. I bathe in milk, be it fresh or evaporated, though not everyday anymore. Pure honey is a regular. But I go organic whenever I could; whatever fruits or veggies are available at home. Avocado and papaya are my favorites.
2. I sleep with my face masked on milk or pure honey.
3. It will take me an hour to finish bathing. I don't know why. I feel unclean if I spent it quickly.
4. I do consume any milk powder, chocolate powder or a mix of these two, as voraciously I devour a hearty meal.
5. I wear socks to sleep, even in a dry climate.
6. And because I'm very foot-fetish, I end up putting more milk cream on my feet than on my face several times in a given day.
7. I have to confess how vex I would be in a disarray of order. Dirt clothes shouldn't clutter in the bin, in fact I neatly pile them like newly washed clothes.
8. I read in a dim room. The bright luster might cause a visual defect on peripheral matters other than the book. Unless you want me to multi-task which excites me.
9. Oh, I need to have at least a bottle of water near my bed. I fuel up before I go to pee, then I guzzle more liquid when I'm back from the loo. I feel there's a high-need to fill in what was quickly depleted.
10. Because you have read what a nutcase I am, I have fits of posting or deleting this article. You see, I am in my dailies with this disease of doubt.

Anyhow, cheers to Nicole. Thank you for the Tag.

I tag YOU!

Updates

To Gracey

I know this is a lame excuse, but really I am very sorry I haven't replied yet to your question the last time. How was White Day? I went to work after I called for pizza delivery. And he wasn't the one who came, nor who got my call. Though I received sweets, mostly white chocolates, from my workmates. That didn't cheer me up. I kid, I kid, I kid. Seriously, I wasn't enthusiastic not only that night. I have been told I am not myself lately. They're quite true because I don't nag anyone anymore. Nor do I give them that piercing look if they couldn't get their tasks done. I think I mellowed. I still can't help to be OC though, when things aren't organized in my perspective. But I am lighthearted knowing that guys at work can talk straight to me now without their heads curved downward, or I don't know why their hands shiver aimlessly have relaxed recently. Although they still turn red when I approach them. What made this change of heart, they've asked. Well, I realised that night how insensitive I was to them and yet they gestured a warm heart to me. I have always been strict. I rarely open my mouth. When I do, they know they're in trouble. I seem exhausted, they've also noted. I am. I feel I am already worn out and have twice matured. Because I was too carried out not to trifle on time, I was partially visible to their lives that I got totally aware of that night. My crossed features and raised brows were their usual greetings. It was an effort for me to move my facial muscles to give them a smile. I may not be miss-smiley to them yet, but I do laugh with them not long ago despite the fact that I feel wretched deep inside.

To Ryle

Hey, my days have gone bad. And I wasn't a good friend these days, being uncommunicative and aloof to any contact of attentions. Call it whatsoever you like. I just want you to know that you didn't end up swallowing your own foot. I am all ears at all. Speak soon.

The Interview

I braved the strong winds yesterday. In fact, I was more than tough to cycle my way to the said institution. I really didn't mind when I was told that the place is located far remotely and a car should get me there . What I had in hand was a single paper indicating how many stoplights before I should yaw to a roadway that would direct me to the marked address. I thought three road signals weren't that far. So I canceled the idea of going there by a cab from the train station approximately a distance from my apartment. I asked Kuya if I could borrow the keys and mounted on two-wire-spoked wheels.

At first I didn't notice I was pedaling alongside heavy vehicles and trailers transporting bulk goods to and fro the Chubu and Kanto regions of Japan. I was in the middle of an expressway (one of the busiest by the way high way). Wohoo, I am a certified cyclist, I gasped. I sped up my pedals more but I felt lost. How many stoplights did I encounter so far, one, two? It couldn't be just one yet. And alright, I couldn't give up to have gone this mile considerably.

I arrived after 15 minutes of in between stops and pushing. Well, not really. The winds convened their forces on me. I was just free-flowing cycling my butt and felt too easy for my legs. No sweat at all. I was revived with a new vigor and refreshed spirits matter of factly. I felt moonbeams in my eyes and curved lips upward on my face.

Came too early. Almost a quarter, I toddled to the entrance of the hall just as the office head walked in. I muttered my greetings. He lightened me up a bit with his joke. I couldn't hide my high-strung nerves, and my neurons were all wound up of the right terms to mouth. I was fretful of my retard brain at the moment. But he was impressed because I could talk? I knew I fairly managed the whole conversation. I think he was just compelled to say that, since I spoke to him in Nihonggo the most honorific way I could. It's not a problem for me to engage in a confab, he clearly commented. But he wanted to see me write texts in kanji, of which I am a no-good. I can't even read all, in truth, or can't read at all. So I tried to fill in the form with my bio in a scrawling Chinese characters. There went my poor strokes to his hand, he smiled and was a little surprised. I could write. Not really. I am only good at typing kanji in sending or replying MMS using my mobile phone. And I am very dependent to this gadget especially if I had to look over for the right text to use.

The afternoon concluded with a pat on my shoulder that caused me to blench for a second, that he quickly explained I am telling you as a father for I don't have a daughter. Why am I such a blusher? I thanked him and be permitted to leave the room.

Stormy heavens, you've blessed me.

Downpour

I am hiding under my tiered blankets whilst I tinker my thoughts here. There's a gusty breeze outside that makes me crouched and shrunk back in my pillow. You could hear the shrills of an angered heavens. I fear.

And I was coaching him earlier that there's nothing to be afraid of. It's a natural phenomenon, an abrupt rush of strong winds. That it's ok to go to sleep (because he's awake for more than 24 hours already). He charmed me, so off I went. Yet now, I am just like him.

Last Monday Repulsion

As they were gushing ohs and ahs ogling photo frames on my aunt's oakwood shelves, I knew where I should be heading to. I didn't finish my food but moved in a quiet to my aunt's room. Oh freak! Yes? Marichan, why didn't you tell us you modeled? I didn't... I was already feverish and humming my humiliation. Oide! They asked me to come to their cluster. I sat still, and remained focus to the screen. In a split second, I froze, the shoji slid open. I was mortified. I avouched my rights and retorted... Ok, I tried and I failed. I thought case was closed. They were browsing more pictures in front of me like wanting to tease me. I couldn't cache my skin anymore. I was just posing for a friend, like scaling walls or claying satins and silks on crossbars and scaffolds. It wasn't a good cover up yet, especially with that prying Chinese. You don't have anything to do with our kind of job. I know, I was a failure. Can't you read it? It's all over my face, I don't need to say it. I flushed my chagrin and yielded to this distress until now.

Tomorrow there'll be no more questions I pray.

Oh, Lord of My Heart

An angel crept in through the night;

shalt haunt me in my sleep.

He kissed my passion;

I dreamt of love.

Ravished would be

my heart's lost;

'tis omen escaped

before I was to rouse.

Ye wings glowing blush

to this sweet rose;

Awaits thy pristine dominion.

Feel me whilst thou promise

I won't be harmed.

Take me into thine arms

as thy skin bursts in flame.

Gently carry me to thy world;

only this moment I wilt be thine.

Across this placid blue,

'tis virgin wilts from hitherto

divine's sinister clouds.

Oh, thou lustrous veil

corrupt the innocence in my eyes.

My heart, my soul,

thou hadst mercifully taken;

it wraths like flames from hell.

Yet I long to linger

in this ghosts of love;

my mind pleasures in the shadows

of thine unseen world.

I wilt knock on heaven's gate,

if thou be near.

Thy gloom hast given me breath;

thy light eclipsed my own demise.

'Tis rose would be my heart

wanes the exodus of thine eternal fire.

Post-Its

To Magne

Dearest Sisterette, we are both in different timezones which is really a drag. Either I come early online or you were out first. But yes, I am doing just fine. I don't get to hang out with Gian everyday anymore. Lest I will have more lumps in my body and drowse in the comfort of two capsules a day. It breaks my heart though when I hear him crying out on me, "Tia tita, tia tita Yeng..." Just the look from his eyes I hide the pain I feel inside. I don't want to turn my back from him. But I also need to rest. God knows how sorry I am everytime I pull him away from my embrace, and he clings to my arms... I feel sad and restless why I have to do it. But you do know why. You see I want to look back and engulf him in my arms. I feel sorry for myself because I made him cry not even once wiping away his tears. I hope Gian, at his young age, understands me when I give him my reasons. I hope in the long run he won't keep his distance from me. I pray he will always stay as Tia's mickey baby. I pray that we will both stay the same. Shopping buddies, bike cyclists, beachcombers, foodtrip hyenas, couch potatoes and just being our two-team. I miss our gibberish talks most. Big sigh.

And oh, we're going to bring him for a Disney Tour next weekend. We changed our plan of staying at the resort overnight. Since cousin Cathy will come with us anyway, we will just stay at their place then. I guess we will have a little reunion. The rest of the folks are thinking of a beer drinking session on Sunday night. Then maybe, I will take them for a stroll at Yamashita Park on the following day or have fun at Yokohama Sea Paradise. Kuya is so into this, that you could hear his excitement.

I went to Nagoya last week. I didn't have much time to see our cousins there. Ok, I really didn't take a finger for a meet-up. I am not that snotty, ain't I? Just fiendish. Laughs. When Mama and Mishka will be here, and if Bulak will get her license already, I want a flight to Djibouti. Please I need to be in one with nature. Hmmm, smiles.

(1- Choco's sticking on Tia's tooth; 3- kissing muito obrigado to his Lola who speaks Portuguese to him; 4- with his not so Brazilian dad) The first two-photos were taken one lazy afternoon at nearby Numazu Port. And the last two pictures were at Fuji City, when we went for some Brazilian food-binge.



To Ashley

Shlot, Shez, whatever! I miss you more, pate-head! I think you have to do a lot of explaining here. I don't mean to dig the past but my head is in a swirl. The whole thing is too fast for me. What happened between you and N? Uh-oh, did I just say a bad word?

You were with who's-that-girl the last time I saw you at Ayala-Cebu. If it wouldn't be for Friendster (thank you, by the way!), I wouldn't know what's going on in your life. But there's one missing piece, and that's what I am asking you above. I hope you knew I have always been a big fan of you and N. However that was and had been, you are blessed with a lovely girl right now who seems kind and nice to me. I wish you both happiness.

*will update more later.

White Day

Hmmm, it's the 14th of March. And I haven't got anything from anyone. This is supposedly My Day. I should wait for Mr. Pizza Boy to come yet. Oh, I should call for a delivery...

Inventor In Me

My personalDNA Report

Tick-List Features

• The Monk; M. G. Lewis
• The Glass Castle: A Memoir; Jeanette Walls
• Saving My First Kiss; Lisa Velthouse

Oh, how I missed these pals. I so wish I could transport myself to that day I was filling up tight my suitcase and stuffing it out again, not quite certain what to cram into an insufficient space. I had to make sure D. H. Lawrence's Women in Love was in my grasp though. Well, Ma called out my name as I turned my back to hop a flight. "You almost forgot your book," her tears betrayed the sound of her reassuring voice. We hugged once more. And my cousin and I had to flee to our air terminal since our names were over the communications system already.

So what now? I was totally spaced out that moment in the past that I didn't really fuss on anything that would be then passe, a relatively lengthy piece of archives I wanted to leave behind intentionally. But this voracity right now would like to tweak a slight event of that day. I should have taken these three books with me.

Why M. G. Lewis? Maybe because I was intoxicated by him since I gave my stroke in dramatic monologue. Here is an excerpt, my first from him, as Lewis' The Maniac debutante when I was 13...

Stay, jailer, stay, and hear my woe! She is not mad who kneels to thee! For what I’m now too well I know. And what I was, and what should be. I’ll rave no more in proud despair; My language shall be mild, though sad; But yet I firmly, truly swear, I am not mad, I am not mad!

My tyrant husband forged the tale. Which chains me in this dismal cell; My fate unknown my friends bewail— Oh jailer, haste that fate to tell! Oh, haste my father’s heart to cheer! His heart at once ‘twill grieve and glad. To know, though kept a captive here. I am not mad, I am not mad!

He smiles in scorn, and turns the key; He quits the grate, I knelt in vain; His glimmering lamp still, still I see— ‘Tis gone! and all is gloom again. Cold, bitter cold! no warmth! no light! Life, all thy comforts once I had; Yet here I’m chained, this freezing night. Although not mad. No, no, not mad!

‘Tis sure some dream, some vision vain; What! I, the child of rank and wealth— Am I the wretch who clanks this chain, bereft of freedom, friends and health? Ah! while I dwell on blessings fled, which nevermore my heart must glad. How aches my heart, how burns my head; But ‘tis not mad; No, ‘tis not mad!

Hast thou, my child, forgot, ere this, a mother’s face, a mother’s tongue? She’ll ne’er forget your parting kiss; nor round her neck how fast you clung; nor how with her you sued to stay; nor how that suit your sire forbade; nor how— I’ll drive such thoughts away! They’ll make me mad, they’ll make me mad!

His rosy lips, how sweet they smiled! His mild blue eyes, how bright they shone! None ever bore a lovelier child. And art thou now forever gone? And must I never see thee more, my pretty, pretty, pretty lad? I will be free! Unbar the door! I am not mad! I am not mad!

Oh hark, what mean those yells and cries? His chain some furious madman breaks; He comes— I see his glaring eyes; Now, now, my dungeon grate he shakes. Help! Help! – he’s gone! —Oh fearful woe, such screams to hear, such sights to see! My brain, my brain— I know, I know I am not mad, but soon shall be.

Yes soon; for lo, yon! while I speak— Mark how yon demon’s eyeballs glare! He sees me; now, with dreadful shriek. He whirls a serpent high in air. Horror!— the reptile strikes his tooth. Deep in my heart, so crushed and sad; Aye, laugh, ye fiends; I feel the truth; Your task is done— I’m mad! I’m mad!

From then on, I have progressed in madness and started talking in gibberish. Laughs. And here's from Lisa, I am working to become the woman that I want to be-- the kind of woman whom the man of my dreams will fall madly in love with.

Have a pleasant evening!

If Only

I just need to share this. Yes, I dig romantic movies with extravagant mawkish lines and British humor as well. Enough said. Sniff.

Visible Spectrum

Some snippets as I flounced my way to Nikko district in fancy yellow and a vein of stubborness.

Pharaoh's goddess :p

The Great Temple of Abu Simbel

Rokuon-ji Golden Pavilion

Kiyomizu-dera Kannon

Hiroshima

Edo Mura

Taiko

Mizugei

My Umbrella Story

Tobu region

five-storied Pagoda

And more pictures right here...

www.flickr.com

As Expected

I still came in late for the meeting yesterday. My aunt did call me thrice just to remind me that it was set at 2:00 o'clock. I knew all eyes were intently fixed at me when I prompted myself inside the office. Not because I was twenty minutes behindhand, but some groundless conjecture of a subject was up in the air. And that's me.

Let's begin with the announcement of Mr. H, our boss, he's getting married this June. Without reserve he confessed that he's not ready to get hitched, and yet considering if he'd really like to espouse his girlfriend. I stared at him blankly. I thought there was nothing serious to prod about it. There was a lot of oomph going on inside the room. I digressed to comment and privately pursued on the papers handed to me for further perusal.

It was later on that I completely perceived what has been on the grapevine. Were it not for being a dolt in kanji, I would still be sightless or just unwilling to consent to something, which I knew, identifies me. But I have to thank that guy who had the balls to seek validity in accord to the reality of my state. Before I had my letter of apologies (since I was inexistent for a couple of days from work) in print, I was decoding if those kanjis scribbled on it were exactly what I meant to express. I can't go bad asking for a consideration of AWOL. He was there, came obliged to correct my grammar. He quickly posed if I were girt enough to work already. And I started to spiel volubly. I was just dumbfounded when he plainspoken quizzed me about pregnancy details. Ooops, I was mute at this critical moment. My neurons froze.

Achi's husband asked me if I could buy a pregnancy kit on my way home, and that was three weeks ago. Since I was nescient of this thing that time, I honestly didn't know what it looked like. So I groped for help, asking around what's the right term for such kit, or if I could just grab it at the pharmacy without having much detail, and all the worries. If one state of syncope gave right to this empty fetal presence in my belly, my head swooned with all this hoopla.

Valentine's Day, the upheaval of a tetchy wretch as me. I do remember I broadcasted on that day that I will be tying the knot soon. Because I have found myself a groom, and the ceremony will be in the Philippines. And I promised to them our company will be closed for a time just so everyone can attend my wedding. You see I was grand at telling them my little fantasies, and they were so hyped to join in my whims.

Not until yesterday, I got webbed in my own mesh of craziness.

Rekindled

Fancy, I dreamt of the silk touch of your thought

Never to be awake in dampnest and bliss

For I long the days I’ll set my eyes

On such beauty as velvet of your wings...

Distance between us quite afar

How I wish you live nearby

So I can see you as days go by

Day after day I wish for thee

To be in my heart at all times.

Do you hear this?

It ’s the drum of my blood

The piano of my soul

And they linger in an abysmal torment...

Fade, shall I just fade in oblivion

For this sound seems not to travel to your ear

Forever so gently...

What did you say?

That cannot be true

An endless ryhme to lonely nights

From dark prismed skies till an early sunrise

It is every prayer that I say your name

Since the day you fell from silver cloud

To grace me with your love.

And gentle tap from my reaping flesh

Onto the echo of the night

I shall come to you free,

free to be yours...

Tears flooding my eyes

Your words that stole my heart

These myriad of turbid feelings;

If you were the incarnate of real love

Reveal it to me, so my mind can now conceive

If this love is supposed to be.

Your eyes are oceans

And close to hapiness it seems

I am the incarnation of love,

Of god, of the essence of which we are made of,

It needs only a will to materialise...

Like an ocean's winter frost

My heart has never felt so lost

Your words a desperate music

Of love therein.

Listen to the music of your heart

Forget the words

Does it sound like a blooming rose

Or the falling of rain?

I must be true

You had me since.

Had you since?

Thy eyes art blind, Sire?

Look with your faith...

Your eyes captivate me.

And my heart brims over

With a love it holds for you.

Again

You kept all that hidden secrets

In the depth of your soul,

Come to me clean

Washed from the darkness

In which you bathe.

I journey through

The densest part of me

Gracious love beckons thee near

In the company of shadows

All there was for naught

Awake without stains

To taste thy sweet touch I await

The untold truth I so long shelved.

~words are hard to find to let you know my feelings. and you make my face turn red. it's hard for me to tell you this. i honestly don't know if you like me just because of that letter. anyhow, my lips will always say, I Like You.~

Daring Mt. Fuji

Our first attempt to climb Mt. Fuji last August of 2006. It was actually unplanned. Though I managed to pack up some things (bottles of gatorade and water, lotion and insect repellent, wet tissue, chocolates and energy chips, flashlight, medicines to count a few) I knew would sustain us for this cause. A subject undebatable because I willed it.

First pit stop at the 6th Station. And the rest was history. Ok, I just hate to admit, that we got three cameras which ran out of batteries when we're almost there. You bet who's the jinx in this matter?

I thought this time I was ready. The time to mount and descend was all set. In fact, I had all the surveys of the easy way to traverse the mountain. And everything was fixed according to my timetable. Where I should take a stall to behold an astounding vista, or embrace the decline of sun below the horizon, and to inundate myself with the celestial bodies above... a complete surrender. September 30, 2006.

Despite the steepness of the slope, the falling rocks and the gust of frosty winds, I had to smile for my courage. At the 8th Station, where the Fujisan Eisei (Sanitary) Center, a temporary medical clinic with resident doctor during summer. The general period for climbing Mt. Fuji is from July when the mountain is open for public until the second week of August. Most of the public utilities, even lodges are closed after this season. There are buses run in spring and fall, but not as many. Since I was the climber wannabe, I had to stick with a league of real mountain climbers I met along the way. And it was on forecast that there'd be a slight precipitation of ice crystals the next day. So, good luck to me.

957 meters away from the summit, at the 9th. We moved ahead of time as we went through our course. Another pit stop. There was much camaraderie. They laughed; they sang; they cooked; they talked; they jested; and I cried. I thought I would die of hypothermia. Note that, temperature drops by 0.6 degrees celcius for every 100 meters up, and the temperature at the summit is 20 degrees lower than at the base. Sure it'll drop to 0 before sunrise or sunset. And that's for only at those periods of time I mentioned above. Next trip, I would wear a lot of thick doubles. Point well taken, guys.

I'm on top of the world! I rejoiced, exultant in happiness. I've reached summit, an ultimate point of a perfect experience. The totality of all the events in my life. Then, we made a complete circuit of the crater. And lo, the rising sun just nadir my vision.

Zenith beneath us.

Oh sunrise, my sunshine, I beckon you.

Fujisengen Shrine Okumiya; entrance to the summit.

I was frigid already. That day was a wintry welcome morning. (Right below is a concavely curved steep and rough slope.) And I could not beat anymore how many times I slipped and fell. I might be dog-tired yet the experience speaks itself for me. Altogether divine.

Manic Valentine

Whilst everyone I know were out on a date last February 14, some had their birthday bash, I was stewing medicinal herbs a remedy necessary to restore my poor health. To comfort my bitter mode, I thought of giving myself a treat. I usually overindulge myself on books and chocolates, when I say treat. But I had enough of that already to sink a ship. I grabbed my phone and...

Boyfriend: Odenwa arigatou gozaimasu. PizzaLa de gozaimasu. Honjitsu wa gochuumon deshou ka?
Me: Hai, chuumon shitai desu.
Boyfriend: Sore de wa, saisho ni odenwa bangou wo onegai shimasu.
Me: (enumerating my eleven numbers to him in English)

He must have noticed that my number is registered to their record already.

Boyfriend: Ohya-sama desu ka?
Me: Hai, hai... (chuckles)
Boyfriend: Gojuusho wo kawarimasen desu ka?
Me: (as if puzzled...) Eh, Nihonggo wo sukoshii wakarimasen, Eigo de hanashimashite yoroshii desu ka?

He asked if I still live in the same place. I told him I don't understand Japanese, if we could only speak in English.

Boyfriend: (amused, then recites my whole address for me...) Sore de wa, gochuumon wo douzo.
Me: Mata onaji desu.

He guffawed when I told him I wanted the usual.

Boyfriend: Ok, Buster's Quarter no raaji saizu no de, ijou desu ka?
Me: Sore dake onegai shimasu.
Boyfriend: Gochuumon kurikae shimasu... Ohitotsu desu ne?
Me: (eyes rolling...) Hai.
Boyfriend: Okaikei wa...

I shut him up before he could continue.

Me: Sen happyaku kyuujuu yen desu ne? Wakattemasuyo.
Boyfriend: (laughing...) Anzen unten de san juppun to yon juppun hodo otodoke ita shimasu.
Me: Eh, juppun de daijoubu ja nai desu ka?
Boyfriend: Haha, gambarimasu.
Me: Onegai shimasu. Ima onaka ga suita desu.
Boyfriend: Ja, gochuumon arigatou gozaimashita.

Fifteen minutes after (25 minutes earlier than scheduled), my buzzer rang. He was gasping for words when I answered the call. So, I rushed to the door. There he was standing drenched because it was raining, holding my pizza, in his blushing grin. After handing him my payment, just when he was to turn his back away from me, I asked him off-guard...

Me: Koibito wa imasu ka?
Boyfriend: Imasen desu. (He looked awkward.)
Me: (was trying to be flirty :p) Kyou shigoto ni owarimashitara, de-to arimasen ka?
Boyfriend: (bashful) Arimasen. Ohya-san wa?
Me: Ja, futari wo onaji ka? Sabishii desu ne.
Boyfriend: Ummm... (I could see hearts twinkling out from his eyes.)
Me: Happy Valentine's. (and I started singing...) Koibito wo sayounara, la la la... (sneezing)
Boyfriend: Odaiji ni. (Said to someone who sneezes or ill.)
Me: (slowly closing my door...) Arigatou. Mata ne.
Boyfriend: Hai, yoroshiku. Bye-bye.

What a sad life it was for both of us. He's someone I really don't know, but I do tease him everytime. Calling him my boyfriend, just for fun. He's a delivery boy at a pizza restaurant. It must be luck, when he's the one who takes my calls and delivers my pizza for about distinct periods of time already. In the informal dialogue above, I just wanted to know if he had any girlfriend he'd take out for a date after his work. There was no one I was told. So, I sang him a song, Goodbye, my boyfriend... If only you had seen how scarlet his face was, oh boy, he thought I was serious? Haha.

Obviously, dallying with my boyfriend didn't work out. I spent my Valentine alone with one large pizza to gormandise and a well-being to look forward to. What a bitter sorrow.

Sobs.

Snafu

I always tell my soul to be happy on everything that happened and will happen. But I always end up sad and cold. It seems that, of all the experiences that I have gone through, I always tell myself to be brave so that people around me won't worry that much.

But deep inside, I really feel sick. I see myself as a person alone in a busy crowd. I talk to them but cannot communicate. It's like hearing without listening. I eat but do not taste.

Sometimes, you need to show them that you can be tough. That you can handle yourself. But at the end of the day, all that is left is fear.

The lose sight of two important persons in my life has totally changed my perspective. There is this fear of loving the people around me. I fear on loving. I fear on caring too much. Because I might end up desolate, mangled in speech and crushed by grief again. And to count a broken promise is an equal of three. Together they tangle to these pieces of me.

I'm wondering what my life would be if they haven't left. Would I be the same mixed up kid as I am today? I think not.

I might be dysphoric, and melancholy enwraps me. My views in life is at all times absurd. But yes, because I wake up to it everyday. That I can't help but be tristful with the weight of the realities of life.

Just like you, I am any other girl wiping out the inarticulate voices within me.

Post Card Shots

Sickly Notes

Because I am totally peaked and have kept myself out of sight, people at work are starting to really get worried about my state of health. I get their calls when I most needed the shut-eye. And ugh, receiving MMS in an ungodly hours. Now, talk about complete rest.

Gaman ni mo genkai ga arimasuyo. Ichi ban no genin wa, nandesu ka? Kono mama anata ga gaman shimashitara boroboro ni narimasu. Doushou, Mari-chan ga sono mama toko ni tsuite imasuka?

It's from my boss telling me that even pain has its threshold. There might be a cause as to why I resist help, thus he wanted to know why I would like to endure and just be confined in my own bed. Apparently, I have my reasons, Sir.

Taichou wo kuzu shite shimasu. Seishinteki ni kanari ippai dattanda. Shigoto ni gakkou ni to, mainichi owarete shimai, kanari jibun wo mi ushinatte itaka mo. Demo sonna toki, Mariale kara no me-ru ni hagemasaretayo. Kyou wa, kazoku de, misa ni, sanka shite kimashita. Mariale no shiawase wo negatte imashitayo. Anata wa, choushi ga dou desu ka? Genki dashite kudasai.

The latter was from a very good friend I dated when I still lived in Yokohama area. It never was a dull moment. Simply because his older sister was always there to chaperone us. It may sound very teenage-like. But yes, we needed her for life's sake to keep the conversations going. He couldn't speak any English though he was trying to learn it from me. And oh, I was too bad then talking in Japanese (even at present). Anyway, I am happy that, eventhough we're miles apart now, he's still attending church to hear mass. It means that I was a good example to him.