I'm In!

Though I have to be more focused now and have to discipline myself. Time, don't kill me. I need you more than anything else. Oh, my health.

Be with me...

Kutsu

Get on my shoe-ride.

Neko-chan

My friend, Naomi, has a cat named Blueberry. Isn't she lovely?

With her mamita last December. We went for a karaoke before she left us with tears streaming down her cheeks. Mamita hugged me and wished to see me in Paraguay hopefully soon. Then there was her limousine waiting to take her off to the airport.

Naomi and I both miss you, Mamita. Give us another short visit again. Hugs!

I Miss You

Dearest Wings,

Do you know how much it pain me to miss you a heap? I cry myself to sleep. I feel that you're just taking me for granted, even if I know I don't have a right to feel this way. This being 'something' that I may be special to you. Because I know I'm never going to be that 'someone', will never be that special the way I feel down inside. I only wish I could show you.

I lied to you. I'm very sorry. I can't excuse myself anymore. What comes between us is so vast, and we are not beyond those boundaries. Everything is complicated. And I am freeing myself of it. I don't want to be in a pitfall because I've pushed myself into it. I keep away from seeing you. I seek 'us' none of it is within these time and length.

Please don't ask me anymore. You twist and turn my mind leaving my heart bruised. If this still means nothing to you, I deserve only what I have -my complexities... which prolly I write almost anything. Nonsense, so to speak.

I've had given you more than a space to get to know me. But you were preoccupied. Whenever I reached for you, you pulled away. I couldn't ask for anything more but hurt looking through me.

Your eyes, why does it hurt me? Because you are heaven indeed.

Flicker

Here's to Swann. Since you've asked me about the role of this guy in my life. And this particular entry which attributes to him alone.

Finally, Kim, you have a page to yourself on my blog. Now you have to stop complaining why you always have to take my pictures, and me playing the brat taking without hints that you sorely want to have a solo too. You just don't know how I put my effort to this photo. Can you be at least grateful that I took a picture of you while you were sleeping, instead of you yakking how self-centered I could be at all times? Don't you think this is a nice one?

Another to add though...

You're most cute here. Honest :p

Please don't be bitter. Because here I am showing it to the world that I come humbly before you. And I promise that I'll ever behave in the next photo-travel. I'll return the favor at my leisure.

I have decided to write about you again because many people do still ask. We laugh at their comments a gazillion of times already. In fact, just last night didn't stop the wrinkles and dark circles under our eyes, when we laughed our heads' off like hyenas. No, you heehawed actually.

But what is really the fact of the matter? This being brought into being filled me a recognition as foreseen as your words have begun to doubt me.

*** I was a bum at UP. You were Mr. Intellectual at SU. That still makes us both geniuses. Haha. Pride and prejudice. This is preposterous logic. But we are British. How does this connect? I know, I know... I don't need every technical term or whatsoever. I know you are also wired.

I'll pen name you as Kim.
.
It arrived a surprise, a postcard from you. It was neatly composed. Succinct and to the point. I immediately left Freudan school of thoughts and scurried myself to get home. I had to write you back pronto.

Almost a year of concealing, you finally had the balls to admit that you stole my picture which was on Ma's rack of displays. You were there when we almost turned the house upside down searching for that precious thing. I am in awe because you're simply the best actor at that time. I didn't have the slightest inkling you're the culprit.

So I wrote back my banter and chaffed at how un-knightly an admirer you were, bedecked with chivalry only to manifest after months past of mitching. Verily Casper. You didn't send a reply anymore. I lost track of time. I totally forgot of the whole thing. Even while scribing this now, I am trying to retain the snippets of events that came after.

You caught me unaware when you suddenly showed up in my room. I was glued to the tube when you slapped my butt with the book you borrowed from me a long, hundred years ago. You took the piss out of me. But hey, I wasn't a trying hard hot babe in skimpy red shorts. You personified me as such. Bleh :p You leashed me to the grocery. And I trailed behind you at the same time licking my dripping ice crunch (your treat). Did you just pay for the sanitary pads? Haha.

Those were our last days in town. The daily church mass. The long walks. The drive me to nowhere scenarios. Dunkin' Donuts. Barbeque. Acoustic nights. Yes, I do still remember Ann, the bar attendant at the karaoke. She was really kind to let us sing and didn't charge us to order more than a glass of iced tea for each of us. That place is highly priced.

I don't want to drag this story out. This is not making sense at all.

Three months after I arrived in Japan. While you climbed the corporate ladder and made it your world. And still under your spell, this servant of the bones endured once again the summons of your secrecy. For a half year and one, I'd stuck up my tongue not telling even members of our tribe that you went to law school. I couldn't even tell Mama because you'd kill me. And I was so threatened by you. Hmph, Hong Kong is indeed an arm's length for you to stab me.

Nearly two years of sneaking e-mails or chat messages, the buzz(!) and screams at long last sufficed. Right from the first call since you got here, my phone's drained of battery supply. And we talk of the same things all over again, night and day.

Last night when you told me that you still have that picture, I was stifled by my own laughs. I haven't seen it framed in your apartment. I could not anymore gibe that at you. I intentionally snubbed the topic because I wanted to avoid what is becoming salient to me.

I have thought of again our conversations way before, of our plight to settle in Switzerland or in Canada. And this life that is unraveling before us perplexed me of the reality of your words. Did you really follow me here, when you could have opted NY for a sandiest pasture?

Sourpuss

I've had my last ballet recital when I turned 13. During a time when I started to feel I could no longer allow graceful hands slipping smoothly around my body, or just gliding body language with another human form. My last scene was with a guy four years my senior. He, who was a known playboy, is the most absorbed individual I've known. Girls of his age and younger went completely gaga over him. I believe he's a good dancer but I am most certain that he's not physically appealing to me. I didn't have any choice. I was just a kid trying to do my routine as told by my teacher. And each day I had to be 'self-consciously' abashed during rehearsals when many high school girls flocked in our (supposedly) restricted gym. I could still remember now how distressed I was to do over and again a repeat performance to make perfect our elaborate movements. I was such a pouter. I have this attitude. It was a big problem that my teacher had to communicate this with my mom. I did, in all modesty, poise an ethereal grace as I jumped higher for an aerial romanticism of The Swan Lake. 

Yet I didn't stop performing when I entered high school. However, I was still categorized to classical jazz and cultural dance. But my partner didn't bother me at all. Because this time I would never admit myself to dance if I didn't get to choose my partner. All through out high school performances, I was stuck with the same partner. It's rare a time I got paired up with anyone else.

So right now, I'm thinking if I still got it. I really would like to try it out here. But how do they say croise, jete, pirouette and so-so in Japanese?

絢香 - I Love You

Ayaka. I love, love, love this girl. I love her version of this song which is originally sung by Ozaki Yutaka (尾崎豊).

Mailbox

I'm not perfect. But when I love... I tend to love perfectly.

I dream about a house by the water
and a girl to live with
I dream about climbing a mountain
and a girl to come home to
I dream about sailing around the world
and a girl to miss
I dream about real love
and I guess all I want is you.

Mottainai

Mottainai! That's all I can say. My camera played dead on me. And I forgot to bring its seat-charger. Bleed, bleed, bleed. All there was for nothing. I came unprepared. Useless.

I am mum. Good night, world.

I'm eating lunch. I'm really tempted to put off my phone right now. Right away. Because any minute now, I could not excuse myself from her call.

Okies, it's raining. So I had to hurry my way to work. And promise, I didn't know I left my phone at home. Hmmm... Bad me.

I'm Mobile

Hai, moshi moshi. Maryaru desu. Obachan?

I bolt out from bed as I heard her rustic voice at the other line.

Granny is taking me out for a late birthday treat. But I'm going to Kansai region on the next few days... Before she could lambaste me enough, I had to hang up because for my sake I need to go back to sleep. I only have almost an hour of eye-shut right now.

Later.

Cooking

(This was on the eve of 7th, when I was about to sleep. I tried to capture a decent view of myself using my phone.)

I cannot find the right words to explain how I kept myself sane over the past years of being just by myself, of being alone on Friday nights. My sanity lies in the realization that neither myself nor my destiny can ever control the truth about having a relationship.

I was born alone, why would I kill myself just to have someone in my bed?

Gloria Steinem said: "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." Just like a fish, I could still swim the deep waters; without even learning how to walk, even ride bikes. Yes, I have survived years without the comforts of a partner because I am a woman.

Sadness could devour me like a forest fire, but my mind keeps telling me that I can be happy, that I can be normal; even though my hormones are now going haywire. Sometimes, I would just scream at the top of my lungs to release the pressures of being alone. And then, I would just come back to my senses and realize that in my solitude I found the person who would always be there for me... myself.

Looking past the mirror in front of me, I see what is beyond the lines forming under my eyes, with brows slowly shaping into an arch of non-conformity. I see the nakedness of my femininity reaching its value. I do not see curves, rather it is the simplicity of being who I am that suppresses the madness.

Insanity... I have no clue what that means anymore.

27th

I count my day by sunrises, not by sunsets;
my life by smiles, not by tears;
And when life is at its twilights,
I will count my age by friends,
not by years.

I quote this from my best friend's whose MMS-greet woke me up at 1:14 in the wee hours.

Thank you, Don. I love you mucho. And I miss you more.

News Feed

Eager employers think outside the box for peon-pleasing perks

From bonuses for marrying a co-worker and days off to mope following a relationship bust-up, to time off for bargain sales and pay rises decided literally by the roll of a dice, some Japanese companies will do just about anything to make sure they keep their employees happy and motivated, according to Shukan Post (3/28).

Allowances for managers who foster good relationships with those working under them
The Japan General Estate Co. created waves earlier this month when it announced it would give managers an allowance of up to 300,000 yen a month to foster good relations with people working underneath them.

But there are plenty of other companies across the country that have been offering out-of-the-box incentives to spark worker motivation and satisfaction, in the hope it will reap corporate benefits.

Bonus for marrying a co-worker
Foodstuffs manufacturer Nihon Shoken's Co-Worker Marriage Happy Allowance is a case in point. Whenever co-workers marry, they are entitled to claim a 1,000 yen a month bonus apiece."We pride ourselves on the family atmosphere of the company, and decided to reward people who fill the place with real families," a spokesman tells Shukan Post. "If there are a lot of marriages between co-workers, we're confident that will inspire their parents and relatives to become fans of our products."

A $1000 bonus incentive to take a holiday
Recruit Agent, an employment agency, offers its employees a once-yearly 100,000 yen cash bonus if they agree to take off at least four days in a row to go on a holiday. It also pays a 250,000 yen bonus to any worker that meets a target set for them, although conditions apply for this payment to be made."They must agree to go on a trip with at least four other people from the company and stay more than one night," a spokesman says. "We want to try and encourage communication amongst staff."

Shopping leave and leave if you get dumped by your boyfriend
Marketing firm Hime & Co., meanwhile, gives its employees half-day holidays if they want to go to a bargain sale and full days off if they're dumped in a relationship."We're a company that only employs women. When someone's relationship ends, work is the last thing on their mind and if some people quit over a break-up, it can cause large losses for the company, so we started this plan in 2005," Hime & Co. President Miki Hiradate tells Shukan Post, noting that none of her employees have yet taken advantage of the offer.

Pet allowance
Some said veterinary equipment maker Kyoritsu Seiyaku Corp. was barking mad when it started offering a pet allowance to employees who own cats or dogs, but the company doggedly stuck to its guns."One of our company philosophies is to strive for the creation of an environment where humans and animals can live in harmony. We want our employees to live with animals and show society that our company lives by what it believes in," a spokesman says. "We want wider society to know what our company is doing."

Deciding who gets which pay rise based on the roll of a dice
Internet service company Kayac, meanwhile, decided a decade ago to end petty rivalries among employees by determining annual pay rises according to the roll of a dice.

"We give rises of anywhere from 1 percent to 6 percent depending on the number an employee rolls on a dice. Someone earning a monthly wage of 400,000 yen, for example, could get a raise of as much as 240,000 yen," a spokesman tells the weekly. "We were sick of employees bickering over things like bonuses and rises, so came up with the idea of deciding them as though we were playing a game."

And Hosei University sociology Prof. Seiichiro Hayakawa says we can expect more oddball offers from companies in the future.

"Improving employee welfare raises motivation and satisfaction, as well as gives the company a better corporate image," Hayakawa tells Shukan Post. "We're still in a situation where most people still only take less than half the time off they are entitled to, though I can see growing numbers of women making effective use of maternity leave. I'd imagine more companies will continue coming up with ideas to get employees to use up their vacation time." (By Ryann Connell)

Conversations

Just aeons ago... I was waiting for Yaoshi-san to come out from the loo. Leaned my back to the walls and squatted like a mercenary at the hallway. When Mr. H arrived and surfaced a distinct expression from his face. My bearing obviously caught him unexpectedly. He gestured me to the private office. I was devoid of interest. Again, what about this time?

Nuh, I won't take a leave from work just because I have to celebrate my birthday. On Sunday, I am inviting you if you could come. You were what, have been invited already by whom? Oh, she spread out the tablecloth aforetime without my knowledge. Well, it's a pity you can't come with us. Don't worry, I will relish each morsel of the feast for you. Huh, do you understand what 'had been' last year when it leaked out how you compelled me to go out with you? No, it's never going to happen again. Not even if my Achi will come with me. And please, I don't need anymore of your presents and much of your invasion at my now own doorsteps. Thank you for the 'invite' anyhow.

Later on I bumped with Sugiyama-san...

Hey, and you are so fool yourself, too. If you're not going to behave yourself like a 38-year-old should be, I wouldn't set you up a date with my pretty girlfriend. Of course, I have pictures of her in my mobile. Here, my battery's dead. But wait, I know I have in my wallet. You are perfectly right! She's a beautiful woman. What?! You're not going anywhere. Give me that back. What made you think I'm such an easy piece? Stop fooling around me.

On the phone with Maiyori, a Japanese who's married to a Filipino who I got acquainted with both about two years ago at the church. Her marriage to this Filipino has not yet been fully acquainted to her parents. She belongs to a traditional Japanese family. Though a rebel herself, she studied abroad and acquired a foreign accent; was converted to Catholic despite her strong Buddhist and Shinto backgrounds; revolves in the air, feeling for arts and colors at the same time being a skin doctor and run her pharmacy (which is still one of the family ownership). Because she's impossible to foretell, I found myself hooked up with her younger brother for a cup of tea or karaoke entertainment not once but proceeding meet ups enough to call 'a date with chaperone'... She saw hearts between us; she fairly guessed.

I'm sorry to say, but I didn't give him a call yet. The last message I got from him was a month past, it said he contends to be above sea level for him to graduate soon. That his body gave in doing all the year-end business report and inventory. But my late MMS reply's made him happy. And so the sort of stuff... He mentioned that he was sad at a certain point, but he didn't tell me the reason. Oh, because he thought it was true when I moved down here in Shizuoka? I don't think there's a need to complicate things. You see, Mai, if you were not in your travels, you exactly knew where to reach me. Novenas on Wednesdays, weekly meetings on Saturdays, mass on Sundays and the get-together-session after, or 'it's a date' and with you on weekends... Now, because of that harebrained ideas riled the peace of his mind, it would then be preposterous explaining whatsoever to him. You know why, I don't think I need to make it plain to everyone. They don't really care. I'm sorry, I know you do, and Junya as well. But, just let it be... My best regard to him. I will see Father Bob on Sunday since he will officiate the mass in our parish. Love you more, till then.

Another entry coming up... picking up the ring.

I'm blogging. Hmmm... Yes, I would love to have a new haircut. Not really new. Just want a shorter hair back. Hmmm, again! You know I am petrified with hair colors.

Laughing... be right back.

Me wants this.

A Woman Of Her Word

Thus me.

I live in a beautiful world disguised in a lyrical rhapsody of prose and poetry. If you thought I see life as a box of unrestrained fancy, then you have spoken amiss. For this creation of fancy is characterized by significant events and demonstrable existence.

I may be caught up in a reverie of symphonic verses about you. But none of these are fiction. You are apparently seen but having no physical reality torments a torrent of grievous loss inside me.

You paint my day with words that I marvel, and rack my brain with Alzheimer's weaving my life. But if in this grotesque time meant only to be with you, I reason to stay a while in dementia. Because life, indeed, is fantastic.

It's Sunday.

As much as I would like to write about my last Sunday, it was Easter. I attended the mass at a church in Yokohoma area where I used to live. I refuse not to talk about what have publicly became known to my old acquiantances concerning myself, that was undeniably unknown to me. Well, they can poke out their eyes and critically examined me, if they had to. I won't have qualms about it.

I have already lacked my sense of hearing of their often sensational talks about me. Heedless of whatsoever tittle-tattles, they can all blab and judge me for no reasons. But I won't debase myself by offering them what the truth is. Because if there was one error I wouldn't have to justify, is, I remain pure. This won't cause them anything. Only if they'd like to impregnate me (as always spread around) to whoever ears they'll whisper to.

Argh, I said I won't be talking. The deuce, I rant!

I need to breathe.

Everything

Surechigau toki no naka de. Anata to meguri aeta. Fushigi ne negatta kiseki ga. Konna ni mo soba ni aru nan te. Aitai omoi no mama. Aenai jikan dake ga. Sugiteku tobira suri nukete. Mata omoi dashite ano hito to waraiau, anata wo.

Itoshiki hito yo kanashimasenai de. Naki tsukarete, nemuru yoru mo aru kara. Kako wo minai de, mistumete watashi dake.

You're everything. Anata ga omou yori tsuyoku. Yasashii uso nara iranai. Hoshii no wa anata.

Dore kurai no jikan wo? Eien to yoberu darou. Hateshinaku tooi mirai nara... Anata to ikitai... Anata to nozoite mitai sono hi wo.

Itoshiki hito yo dakeshimeteite. Itsumo no you ni. Yasashii toki no naka de. Kono te nigitte, mitsumete ima dake wo.

You're everything. Anata to hanareteru basho demo. Aeba kitto yurushite shimau. Donna yoru demo. You're everything. Anata no yume miru hodo tsuyoku. Aiseru chikara wo yuuki ni. Ima kaete ikou. You're everything. Anata to hanareteru basho demo. Aeba itsumo kiesatte yuku, mune no itami mo. You're everything. My everything.

Odd Me Out

I've Been Tagged! The rules are - once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with ten weird random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end you choose ten people to be tagged, list their names, and why you chose them. No tag backs!!!

10 Strange Things About Me (at least for me)

1. I bathe in milk, be it fresh or evaporated, though not everyday anymore. Pure honey is a regular. But I go organic whenever I could; whatever fruits or veggies are available at home. Avocado and papaya are my favorites.
2. I sleep with my face masked on milk or pure honey.
3. It will take me an hour to finish bathing. I don't know why. I feel unclean if I spent it quickly.
4. I do consume any milk powder, chocolate powder or a mix of these two, as voraciously I devour a hearty meal.
5. I wear socks to sleep, even in a dry climate.
6. And because I'm very foot-fetish, I end up putting more milk cream on my feet than on my face several times in a given day.
7. I have to confess how vex I would be in a disarray of order. Dirt clothes shouldn't clutter in the bin, in fact I neatly pile them like newly washed clothes.
8. I read in a dim room. The bright luster might cause a visual defect on peripheral matters other than the book. Unless you want me to multi-task which excites me.
9. Oh, I need to have at least a bottle of water near my bed. I fuel up before I go to pee, then I guzzle more liquid when I'm back from the loo. I feel there's a high-need to fill in what was quickly depleted.
10. Because you have read what a nutcase I am, I have fits of posting or deleting this article. You see, I am in my dailies with this disease of doubt.

Anyhow, cheers to Nicole. Thank you for the Tag.

I tag YOU!

Updates

To Gracey

I know this is a lame excuse, but really I am very sorry I haven't replied yet to your question the last time. How was White Day? I went to work after I called for pizza delivery. And he wasn't the one who came, nor who got my call. Though I received sweets, mostly white chocolates, from my workmates. That didn't cheer me up. I kid, I kid, I kid. Seriously, I wasn't enthusiastic not only that night. I have been told I am not myself lately. They're quite true because I don't nag anyone anymore. Nor do I give them that piercing look if they couldn't get their tasks done. I think I mellowed. I still can't help to be OC though, when things aren't organized in my perspective. But I am lighthearted knowing that guys at work can talk straight to me now without their heads curved downward, or I don't know why their hands shiver aimlessly have relaxed recently. Although they still turn red when I approach them. What made this change of heart, they've asked. Well, I realised that night how insensitive I was to them and yet they gestured a warm heart to me. I have always been strict. I rarely open my mouth. When I do, they know they're in trouble. I seem exhausted, they've also noted. I am. I feel I am already worn out and have twice matured. Because I was too carried out not to trifle on time, I was partially visible to their lives that I got totally aware of that night. My crossed features and raised brows were their usual greetings. It was an effort for me to move my facial muscles to give them a smile. I may not be miss-smiley to them yet, but I do laugh with them not long ago despite the fact that I feel wretched deep inside.

To Ryle

Hey, my days have gone bad. And I wasn't a good friend these days, being uncommunicative and aloof to any contact of attentions. Call it whatsoever you like. I just want you to know that you didn't end up swallowing your own foot. I am all ears at all. Speak soon.