Windy

If you simply need to escape, you can

Jump off from the roof of a skyscraper

Imagine that the wind pulling your hair up

...is the hope of a love that will soon go back down

...is the dream that all nightmares end.

The world stops spinning

As I hold you in my arms.
We are one
Breathing
Existing
Simply being.

Time stands still
As I look into your eyes.
Your depth revealing secrets untold
Unraveling your mysteries,
Your wonders unfold.

Heartbeats stop
As your lips touch mine,
I am slowly consumed;
Body, soul and mind.

Existence halts,
For with you there is no time
Nothing exists beyond
Your body and mine.

Life shudders as we open our eyes,
As dream and reality slowly intertwine.
Will we ever wake up, will we ever be free,
To have what we want so passionately?

The world stops spinning,
As time stands still.
As we slowly discover
If our existence is real.

Ever have that one thing in your life, that when you do it, the whole world just fades away and you are taken to a place where no one can touch you? I have that place, and I find it whenever I dance and sing.

I've always loved dancing and singing. Ever since I was a child, I would belch out Madonna or Whitney Houston songs at the top of my little lungs and dance around the room pretending that I were on stage in front of my fans. Never mind the fact that I didn't have a great voice. I was in love with dancing and singing, and whenever I did it, I felt an air of magic around me.

I grew up. And for six years of my grade school, I was a member of the convent choir and The Glee Club. I've had my moments. I did solo, trained by the four fingers of the "Mother Superior" stuck to my mouth. Until she gave up on me because I could not simply follow her strict rules of no sweets and ice cream. Oh dear heaven, it isn't a sin to have sweet tooth, right? I lost my stardom in singing. Although I continued to reign in dancing, and the spotlight was on me when I acted in a play. Of course, the stage has become my world. Yet it didn't matter if I were only in the background. But the only thing that meant to me was the chance to get up and do what I love most in the world. 

I still remember what my mom told me, almost in quiet submission, as I was in the middle of a big fight with her. "You weren't born in this world just so you could sing or dance, nor act. You were born to do greater things!" Boy, did that shut me up. That even when the time came I had to choose my college course, she never approved of my desire to pursue a degree in Theather Arts.

But being the willful and rebellious daughter that I am, I went on to audition for a band that were composed of my friends. I started sneaking out to do gigs, and at first I was completely hooked. The adrenaline rush you get on stage, the feeling of the audience singing with you, the nonstop high of being on a constant rush. I loved everything about it.

Then something happened, I lost my passion for singing. Somewhere along the way it had become something I HAD to do, not something I wanted to do anymore. Singing had changed for me, and I didn't like that the magical world I used to find whenever I sang became a place of dread.

I quit the band. I started singing for myself again. Instead I devoted myself to a youth band of our school's Catholic ministry and church community. Every time I sing I close my eyes, because the world I know, with all its craziness and uncertainty, disappears... and in its place is this wonderful heaven that I call my own. I sing, I dance, I cry in praise, worship and adoration. So with the people. 

When I need to feel loved, I dance and sing.

Whether I'm soaring with happiness or breaking down with loneliness, I dance and sing.

Whatever emotion my heart carries, comes out of me through a song and graceful movements of the body.

Singing is a part of my life, dancing as well. It is an expression of who I am.

Now, I sing for an intimate number of people only. And whenever I get in front of an audience, I want them to listen that I'm not singing an empty song. I'd like to take them to my magical world, even for just a moment, through a song. And, although I rarely dance these days, the ups and downs of life never stop the rhythm it has me. The twist and turn of fate, soon will be a grand jete of bliss and more music.

Mwahugs,

Boyeng <3

The three words that mean the most aren't "I love you", with its history of being an accomplice to lies, with its bad reputation as a myth. What is "I love you" but the easy way out, the secret weapon revealed at the ends of long-drawn battles between desperation and despair? "I love you" is what you say when you run out of valid arguments but decide to keep fighting anyway. "I love you" is what you use when you want to appear to be someone you're not. These are powerful words, powerful in the way that politicians and generals are nowadays, worth their weight in gold. "I love you" has been the pillar of empires and friendships, and their causes for downfall. "I love you" is where you build the tower of your trust, only to see it crumble down when these words are said to someone else. "I love you" is what you use when you want to be unfair, when you want to deliberately hurt. "I love you" throws the whole equation in chaos, unbalances the seesaw. It implies the loss of reason and pride, but is used to manipulate, to blackmail, leaving behind disillusionment and disappointment.


The three words that mean the most aren't "I want you", with its raw, blatant inconsideration, its implications of a primal need that is best released orgasmically. "I want you" is what spoiled brats say, it's what selfish bitches say, it's what horny boys say. "I want you" is harsh, said through clenched teeth, said with wild eyes. "I want you" is a physical sentence, the amalgamation of skin against a number of factors: skin on skin, fingernail on skin, teeth on skin. It is violent and rapid, a whirlwind of emotion, an explosion of saliva and other bodily fluids. These are words that have no origin, they emerge from the basest of instincts, they are triggered by smell, by touch, by the look of rawness in another person's eyes. These are words that signal the coming of a storm, and like most storms, they wreak havoc and then depart, leaving behind ruin and wounds.

The three words that mean the most aren't "I need you", with its childish, clingy implications, its sad, pathetic grievances. "I need you" leaves you open, blinding you to yourself, eradicating all traces of self-respect. "I need you" is the dying breath of a failed relationship. It is the battlecry of an overpowered suitor. These words signal the clinging to memories that are either long gone, or never were. These words bypass true necessity to make fools out of the sayers. These are not words to be used by all; it takes the strongest persons to relay this message correctly. Otherwise all is naught, you only reveal yourself as an empty shell craving for something, anything, to fill it. But then, the strongest persons never have the need to say these words. It's the irony of life. These words are like taking a knife to your throat and piercing your skin gently, leaving behind a trail of blood too thin for anyone to see, but painful enough for you to feel.

The three words that mean the most, I think, the ones that really hit the mark, and often in the most unexpected of ways, are "I miss you". This is the sentence that sends the message right home. Because what other message is there? Nothing else, except exactly just that, "I miss you", and everything else is pulled along into it, like a chain reaction. Unlike "I love you" and the lies that go along with it, "I miss you" is honest and sincere, you only say it when you mean it, and you don't have to mean it in a big way to really mean it. Unlike "I want you" and its expectations, "I miss you" offers all it has, and waits for nothing in return. Unlike "I need you" and its desperate whines, "I miss you" stands on its own, a whole entity in just three words, devoid of arms that cling to you for life.

"I miss you" means everything and nothing, it is unflinching and honest. It is upbeat and simple, with wisps of longing and clouds of hope. You miss people you used to love, people you used to want, people you used to need. But most of the time the missing is all that's left, and that's OK, there's nothing else you'd change. The missing implies a past that remains in its rightful place. Or it implies the reality and possibilities of the present. It is hope and love and lust and peace all at the same time. Some people say that when they met that person, it was akin to "coming home". And missing is this manifestation of home-sickness, the way people return to their homelands to die, the way all the comfort the world has to offer is nothing compared to the feeling of being in someone's arms.

And that's why I miss you, because you're not here, and because every time I think about you, that's all that I think. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, and the world turns for both of us, and I can't wait until you come home... Till I see you.
Mwahugs, boyeng <3

Tears from heaven

Falling like starlit jewels

Damp blanket covering my body

Washing away all my pain...

Tears from heaven

I look up to kiss your salty lips

Cleansing my searching soul

Completing me

I am once again whole.

Glistening silver against the moonlight

I am silenced by such a perfect sight;

The world stands still as I lose myself

Hearing nothing else but the softest rhythm felt...

It plays over and again like a lost melody

For once in my life I am finally free.

Tears from heaven

Cascading down my naked skin

Your touch healing me from all my mortal sins.

I lie down to embrace eternal sleep

With tears from heaven in my eyes,

I gently weep.

Mwahugs,

Boyeng <3

Loneliness

It's one of those nights when I just want to sing my heart out. And I will never get tired of hearing this song for the umpteenth time. It brings back memories of my grade school days... just being with your clique of girl friends squatting on the floor at ballet class... the agony of enduring the scorching heat of sunlight every gardening course... when to loaf our time by the lobby after school while waiting for our ride home... and we would shrinkwrapped ourselves to its sacred verses of which had no verbal significance to us yet.

I have a terrible habit of wearing mismatched socks. Sometimes one's black and the other gray, or close brown colors. Every now and then, I discover a hole that I've forgotten about. It's something that has become a habit, because there's always the safety net of knowing that people don't usually stare at my feet more than they stare at what I wear or what I look like. Fortunately for me, they can't judge my feet.


In this world where you have to at least try to look, dress, talk and think like everyone else, it's easy to lose your identity. People who have different opinions than everyone else face two consequences: they're either highly admired or ostracized.


In a world where there is an endless search for personal fulfillment and individual expression, it becomes a challenge for us to be able to truly express our emotions, to really appreciate the wonder of living our lives intensely, merely because we're too worried at what others might think. We're too scared of being judged. And sadly, it is this fear that holds us back from ever realizing our passion for life.


And yet, I find certain joy in seeing the brave few who strive to break out of the mold of conformity, those who shout at the top of their lungs to show ecstacy, who break down and cry when they hurt, and who live like there is no tomorrow.


So, I ask, who deserves our admiration?


Is it the woman who eats at a fancy restaurant, with her 10 forks and spoons, but looks utterly bored? Or the lady who eats with her fingers but savors every morsel of her meal, making a simple chicken and rice combination feel like a feast?


Is it the businessman who works a 9 to 5 job that he hates to make ends meet? Or is it the artist who is free to express his creativity and joy through his work?

Is it the couple who fight fiercely but make love as passionately? Or the couple who pretend that everything is ok and end up gradually hating each other?


When someone dances in the rain, sings out loud, rejoices with her every being,  kisses her boyfriend passionately in front of a million people, and just lives unconditionally, there's a part of me that wishes I could have the courage to break out of my prison. I look on in envy and I just wish I could shed every fear of judgment that I have and just completely live my life- insanely, passionately, intensely!


I wish I could live as if I were about to die the next day- no routines, no rationalizations, and no regrets! Just embrace the pure magic of moments and of the people around me. Maybe then I'd be able to let go of my inhibitions and learn how to love my life and myself completely and with total abandonment.


Maybe someday I'll find the courage to do just that- to laugh until my belly aches, to reach out to complete strangers, to love and live until I have nothing left to give, for I have already given everything I have, and to finally, at the end of my life, look death in the eye and say, "Take me, I'm ready."


Someday I'll go beyond my mismatched socks, someday I'll do more than just politely laugh at a good joke, someday I'll go beyond than giving what's enough, maybe I'll sing, dance, jump and scream with everyone watching, not caring if they think I'm insane... and someday, maybe someday, I'll truly live.

Mwahugs,

Boyeng <3

Last night I cried.

And it's been long since I did. Because when you're at the frontline for the people and that thing you love, you have to be strong. You have to rise up to the occasion, at almost all costs. Because you can't show them how sad you are, how scared you really are, how tired you are and how burned out you already are.

But the time comes when you reach your limit. When you no longer have the strength to rise to the occasion, when you need to face that scary part, when you can no longer just sit there and laugh it off. Because at the end of the day you're only human, because I am only human.

Last night I reached my limit, I let the walls I built fall down.

Last night I cried, and it felt so good.

Mwahugs,

Boyeng <3

Humor Me!

I came across this skit from a Twitter-friend. Now it piques me if I would ever be a good wife in the future. Because I don't think I would be as *cute* wife portrayed in this comic. Were my bones gladly resumed to the easy way. Good morning, sunshine!

For girls who: 


The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check the caller ID the next morning and be disappointed. 


The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened. 


Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. 


The ones who listened to him say, I only want to be your friend, one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves and misses you. 




((We deserve something, and this is our tribute. 
Here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change.)) 


We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught crap from our parents, and even snuck around to see him for a while. 


We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again.


***We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. This is for us.*** 


Here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. 




Here's for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn't possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. 


We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. 




~We learned to SETTLE for someone who didn't treat us the way we should be treated.~ 


Here's for the ones who did their hair and make up and put on their prettiest earrings, only to hear him say that he couldn't see us today. 


The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn't believe that he could do this to us again. 


THIS IS FOR THOSE GREAT GIRLS, WHO LOVED HIM MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY--AND TOOK HIM BACK NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T BARE TO LOOK BACK ON THEIR LIVES ONE DAY AND WONDER "WHAT IF". 


Here's to the girls who couldn't cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. 


This is for the ones who couldn't bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an "I told you so." 


The ones that could just TELL that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts, their beds, and their dreams again. 


~~We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. We just wanted the one that we loved like that.

Here's for the ones that FINALLY realized that he never gave a crap about them. 


HERE'S FOR THE TIME THAT HE BROKE YOUR HEART AGAIN. THS IS FOR THOSE DAYS SPENT TRYING TO HOLD BACK THE TEARS, AND THE TEARS THAT TURNED INTO ANGER, THEN DISAPPOINTMENT. 


Here's for us girls who finally realized that we 
deserve better. This is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass, sometimes it's better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt. Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that. 


******When "your song" comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the crap he was. Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to.********* 


One day, you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. It's gonna hurt like crap, and it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, IT WILL HEAL.

Mwahugs,

Boyeng <3

Going Home!

Hola!

Como vai? Sentimos sua falta? Mas eu ainda não desistiu de tentar aprender japonês. Estou ocupado no trabalho ultimamente. Embora não seja ainda uma desculpa. Vou tentar escrever mais quando tenho tempo. Último fim de semana, mas eu me diverti muito. Foi uma grande experiência novamente.

Hottie Aya!

Do I really need to pay ¥777 Twitter 'book'?

My two friends in the backseat.

Gift

Lunch treat ;)

Tadaima

This blog has not been updated for quite long. I've been here and there. And my thoughts have gone too places, or must've left them somewhere on my way back. In this roadtrip it never stop to amaze me how far I could go. There're times that I would live in the edge. Doubts would lurk in, dark clouds stalking in every step. But it didn't cue me to take the trip to downhill. I have chosen to segue to that course, which stretched to smoothed highways or take me to a haul. Most oft I would see myself in the damps, and wake up away from the shaft of rays. Yet knowing that I am standing in a round surface, I couldn't be turned upside down. For it's all written up there in the vast skies. Shining as of light.

Bert and Ernie in Boston

Bert and Ernie in Boston by Daryl Cagle *MSNBC.com; posted Nov. 23, 2003

I miss karaoke nights in the land of Abu Sayaff. Those days when the sound of bombs felt like distant rumblings. And we would just ignore it and sing to our heart's content.

Right?!

Find a boy who you can run to; with tears running down your face and the first thing he says is "Whose ass am I kicking babe?" ~read it from somewhere :D

strange these days
when heart speaks
no language but love
these days
streets seem bright
like the silhouette of dreams
oddly these days
my eyes seek no words
but the stir in your mind
and these days
despair and longing
ignored by you.

as the sun rises high
light dawns on thee
breathing down the horizon
as it warms me faithfully
as the sun talks of summer
the beach whispers in my ear
of hideaways and escapades
with aims of breaking free
as midnight falls silently
your voice echoes in my slumber
through winds of melancholy
filled with fear and agitation
as the day embarks again
music sets the tone of time
those fleeting moments with you
etched hauntingly in my mind
as the sun sets to dusk
pray, tell your intention
for this being full of angst
dying in my solitude
as i gaze to the heavens
in my parallel universe
i wish for an instance
so surreal yet sublime

Erstwhile

The cries of a cherubim turn futile when I look up to the skies in prostration. The harp renders melodies of a weeping willow scarced of leaves. Famished befall her, yet a seed of light sprout on its trunk. Fluffs of white from distant north breathes her way... A bud in its full bloom.

***

I've made mistakes in my life, countless times. But it didn't stop me to try and learn new things. I do always allow new experiences that come my way.

I bump. I stumble. I falter. Yet I continue to face my day and challenge difficulties. I also believe that I would never learn just by sitting in a pious throne. Don't get me wrong. I'm not really a bad wolf... Or a lost soul who'd gone astray. In the dailiness of life, in search for the true meaning of existence, I live by grace and practice what I believe the teachings of a Supreme Being. I believe in God. I do love Him. And I live for Him. But in this journey, I wouldn't want to be a hypocrite who claims her life to be a spotless slate. No, I am humbly sorry for my sins. Many hearts have bled for me, and that would have gnawed my whole being to shame, put me in a cage of seclusion.

If only I could tell "I'm only doing what I think is not wrong for you, but I couldn't see myself anymore..." My world is my stage, but you condemn me. You shout out applauses, but you never know how it feels when the curtains close down. When you shout "encore", let me do what I think is right for me now.

I don't need you to affirm what you believe is the right path for me. I need to see you behind my back, not sadly crying, but with a smile that gives warmth to a bruised spirit taking a roadtrip to the unknown. I don't need you to look at me with regret; because I have endured resignedly my failures and frustrations.

I don't need you to tell me the lessons I should learn from life. I'm telling you I've had enough. Yet it didn't thwart me of a lifelong dream. I need you to listen to my pains when I drop all my defenses. I need you to listen to what I'm not saying.

And I need to be at peace with myself when the world points an accusing finger at me. My silence won't kill you; but the noises of conformity and morality have repulsed me to live like a recluse, often in solitude.

I don't need you to question me; even myself, I carry further in time of what I sought. I only need you to understand that this is still me. I'm no angel. But a a child who has lost her halo at once.

Mwahugs,
Boyeng <3

She Wrote

Our love started with so much hope, so many dreams. It was a fairy tale that took us both by surprise. It blossomed into a love that was bonded and true. Our memories are filled with so much joy and so much pain. In my heart I know the joy outweighs the pain. I want to embrace the joy and hold it close to my heart where it can live forever. I want to remember the pain as a lesson, a lesson of how much we almost lost. A lesson of life to be lived with a memory of how not to be. We can never hide from each other again. This journey I ask you to walk with me will be joyous at times and rough. I don't offer you perfection. I offer you, me who has weakness. I know that we haven't talked about what we went through, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about it each and every day. You don't know how much I wish that I could be lying there with you whispering in your ear my heart's deepest desires. When you're here, I can't speak. Grabe, I want to discuss or explain things with you pero hindi ko magawa because of your limited time. I wish I could offer you promises. I wish I could paint a future with no uncertainties. But I have none to offer. I have no idea what the future holds for us. I just know I want us to experience it together. I think it will be an adventure. Even as I write the word adventure I know what it means. We have shared so many, and they have never had to be earth shaking. They are the little ones that have climbed into our hearts and found a home. They are the kind that have created the sweetest memories. They are the kind that only you and I can share and appreciate. That's where my love for you comes from. That and knowing so many new memories await.

I wish that there was a way to make time stop and go back to a time when we were happy. We both know that before we can go back to being one, we need to change things about ourselves in order to make this relationship last. I hope that one day we can find a way to get past this, but until that day comes I want you to know that I will wait for your answer because my love for you is never ending. I want you to know that I truly loved you so much. Don't let our love fade away and our memories be scattered to the winds. I want us to work things out, and though it might not be possible, if you're willing... I want to try. I should have realized from the beginning that I never had any reason to be scared. And if for whatever reason things don't work out between us, or if you choose to remain as a friend, that's fine with me. I will take it as destiny or fate passed me by and that we just weren't meant to be together. Whatever the outcome might be, I know that I am so happy to still have you as a part of my life.

*****

If you're reading this, I wish you well. I truly understand what you're going through right now. I've been there too... feelings were miserably jilted... heart's mangled begging for reasons... I was maimed for trying. Yet in the end, being magnificently jettisoned has taken me into a few rides. Those weren't same as my first but I found myself moving on. Believe me, it took years for that salt to melt away in my wounded heart. I lost my compass awaiting for the attraction of the sun and moon once again. They never coincided. And a large stream of water tided off the reef. I wept; I lamented for lost hopes, for the newfound freedom, for understanding the significance of someone. However, nursing a dementia will brilliance of memory traces gradually dim in Alzheimer's time. If you'd esteem for my opinion.

Thank you for writing though.

Mwahugs,

Boyeng <3

Bulilit

I miss you, my Disney Princess. I'm watching MJ's Memorial right now. I wish you were here beside me and sing "Dangerous" all night long. Always be good to Lala.

Airport

We still had ample time to waste before boarding. I didn't know my sister took pics of Mishka and me playing tag in this wide expansion :)
***
A month of Silk Road experience... still considering about the trip. I'm honestly broke :D Oh Buddha, enlighten me. The offer or the offer? :D

Kouhe's

It was past midnight when we left the karaoke bar. And these two were still "genki" that we all decided to stroll around the alleys in a neighborhood in Yokohama. We stopped by at a videoshop to rent some DVDs. But looky here, these two were inseparable :)

Sashimi

Take a lustful look, my lovelies :D

X

My phone has been breathing for a while an irrepressible nausea. If pain or pleasure were audible, I put on my shoes ill-humoredly and trod these narrow streets of this alien world. In such a mood then that seethes in me, let me thread on those verses so beautiful and strange that I venture to think of writing them down.

"You are the kindest person I met in my life. And most truthful. I don't know if it's right or wrong. I still think a lot about you." Sadly and deeply moved... Are these muffled psalm of regret or thanksgiving?

"Though we have moved on too far, I still care for you." But no, we should end it here. There are no good byes that won't hurt. And there are no good byes that won't lead you to a new beginning.

I always believe that time has its own manifestations. Suffice it to say, we had our own fated moment or at once, a period of disposal. Be happy now with the course of life you're in. I'm a grateful heart that you have confided in me your prolonged privation. Yes, you are in the right track. Happy wedding, and may you have a blessed marriage.

Mwahugs,
Boyeng <3

This is how our baby sleeps. She just turned 3 yesterday. "I'm a big girl already!" And I challenged her how big she is when she's not even half as tall as me. She was in a deep thought for a while, and later on, let out a big sigh... "I'm a little girl, but I will become big just like Tia because I eat a lot of lettuce, and it's good for the eyes." Ok, whatever you say so...
I put on her new pair of dia while she's still snoring. Though she kind of jerked and pushed my hand when I put them on, I did it anyway :D I hope she won't ask me to take the pair off tomorrow when she wakes up.

I like!

Yaya

Fooling around with Ayu-chan, while her mom went to gossip with the girls.

Brat

"I don't want to go home to the Philippines. Mommy can go, but I will

stay and wait here in Japan."

Boreas

I count the days
chase the blue skies
watching the leaves
fall into grey;
a foliage of auburn
and flowers wither,
yet brings forth
a myriad of hope
that opens in the snow
fondles the glacial north
when love takes its wing.

Power Puff Girls

While we were waiting for her mom who went to knock one of the doors in this building, so we decided to do random pictures. We were so much having fun in this narrow street. Unpretending of the eyes laid on us, it didn't both stop us. She wouldn't, I should say.

Best Friends

My Ma has caught up the bug lately. She's officially occupied in social networking. Yeah right, you will see her in Friendster, and just aeons ago, she's signing up an account in Facebook :) Anyroad, that's cool. And I got to see my two babies, though, in pictures that Ma has uploaded in her page. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Zaki and Ishi, lovely Akita spitz! They're now both 3 years old.



I sooo miss, miss, miss you two. I bet Ma has given a lot of attention to both of you. Because she can't leave nor move to another place without you mongrels.

Oldies

...she laid back on her bed, thoughts racing in her head, why can't my love be beautiful, she said. And she closed her eyes again, just praying he'd return, ...but only darkness ...fell upon her. ~Wolfgang

Le 01/04/08 01:03, « mariale ohya » a écrit :

I know not for which fate is worse: to have not opened my heart at all or to have loved and lost someone as I did. There is one thing I know though. Loving him was a sweet misery. I loved him as I love life itself, but I was certain that I would never be in his arms for he longs to hold another. I have resigned to the fact that I shall be with him only in my dreams.

He once came into my loneliness and stirred the passion in my heart from its disturbed slumber. He was the beautiful sun, which rose for me on that beautiful morning of a new day of my life. His existence was enough reason for me to be born and entrusted to this void we call our world. I was hurt, maybe I still am. I thought I would never fall in love again. I was scared and lost my trust in love because it brought me nothing but despair. I knew that the glory of that morning would not last. For it must give way to night time, when the beautiful sun, which had heralded the coming of a new day, would become my pitiless tormentor. My affection for him then was my own passion.

He was my cruel tyrant.

It is now my desire to be strong, to never allow my heart to be broken again. Silly how he came barging in and while I refuse to open, I detrimentally failed to shut the door. Well perhaps loving him was like writing poetry: creating a thing of beauty, a heart's song, yet a song I was afraid to sing, for my ballad might be mocked and my love rejected. Nonetheless, life itself is short and passing. No matter what happened, I have learned not to let my song to the grave. I can only be nothing but hopeful.

Maybe my love for him will someday fade with the setting of the sun. But until such time when I will no longer be a slave of my own passion, I shall continue to master the art of letting go. There can be nothing more apt than this.

Le 09/04/08 06:56, « mariale ohya » a écrit :

I cannot find the right words to explain how I kept myself sane over the past years of being just by myself, of being alone on Friday nights. My sanity lies in the realization that neither myself nor my destiny can ever control the truth about having a relationship.

I was born alone, why would I kill myself just to have someone in my bed?

Gloria Steinem said: "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." Just like a fish, I could still swim the deep waters; without even learning how to walk, even ride bikes. Yes, I have survived years without the comforts of a partner because I am a woman.

Sadness could devour me like a forest fire, but my mind keeps telling me that I can be happy, that I can be normal; even though my hormones are now going haywire. Sometimes, I would just scream at the top of my lungs to release the pressures of being alone. And then, I would just come back to my senses and realize that in my solitude I found the person who would always be there for me... myself.

Looking past the mirror in front of me, I see what is beyond the lines forming under my eyes, with brows slowly shaping into an arch of non-conformity. I see the nakedness of my femininity reaching its value. I do not see curves, rather it is the simplicity of being who I am that suppresses the madness.

Insanity... I have no clue what that means anymore.

28

Happy Birthday to me!

Ballad of Wonder

(anonymous)

Place upon the cravings of the early morning,
From which the heart shall claim the sky,
The soul that never rest from knowing
A shell of dreams that never die.

Thus, move with the shadows doubt
And believing the void without,
And living slightly less regretting,
While knowing powers deep within.

And curse, and play, and give, and feel
The many things so profoundly real.
Again, and again the mind still wonder
The thousand mysteries to love and ponder.

For soon this frail vehicle of flesh and blood
Shall pass with time and turn to mud,
But the mind and the heart will still be glad
For all the wonders that they once had.

April Fool's Day

Another family portrait. This time when Mishka invades Ginza.

Queueing for dessert.

Swiss Miss Family

I missed my ever cousin Nico. And his tie is a delight to my eyes. Pink. My favorite.

ZED

It's been a long day. But I have to rush back home. Our branch manager called up more than thrice today, telling me a lot of excuses. He's been weird lately. I know he was just checking out on me. Imagine whilst I was snorring in a make-believe world yesterday, there were constant ringing from him. So I had to show him the files he was pestering me about. Now he's being crazy, with a side-note of the whereabouts of my "date". He can't just shut up. I had no choice but to slap it to his face that I do have a life. And here I am trying to get the super-express ride, just so I could drop by the office to print the files he's oh-so-fuming about. When I get there, I would like to remind him for the weeks that he was not around, that I would like him to be exiled forever in Kobe or back to Tokyo, because he's driving us mad whenever he's around. Yes, I'm mad and I'm going to lambaste that to his face. Argh, I have to get my gibberish perfectly articulate now. I wish I would morph into Zed's image and totally speak in a foreign tongue.

Wine Overdose

As I look between the beer and the iced tea

Pondering which makes more sense

I tremble in my seat

I need a wine

Oh, where's the loo?

A mic comes handy.

Everyday I look for you
Unexpected futility
Among the wooden havens
The falling leaves
The mysterious corners
The memorable scenes
Unexpected futility
Answers me
Oh, you moved on
Away...
Away from here,
Away from me.

Mwahugs,
Boyeng <3

I don't want to pretend that I'm not hurt with my decision. But yes, I have to stand firm protecting myself from getting 'crunched'... I know I'm too selfish to push you away. If I could make you understand how I truly feel, I wouldn't mind getting 'crunched' to the core. But I don't like how it will kill me when slowly the sparks would disappear. So I'm flying away, which means flying away from the comfort of your Big Wings. May you find your little wings somewhere in time.

~nipped.

Carl Raymon

Woohoo! I woke up from a buzz of delivery-call. A package from Hakodate, Hokkaido.
It's a loot of chocolates and more chocolates from white to dark... Yum! More Japanese goodies, those sweet mochi. Sticky! Of course, Carl Raymon's packs of sausages. A book. An album, set of pictures of places I would like to be at, whenever I feel like thinking and to be secluded from the madding crowd. Oh, there's me! Woot! I have to unpack now before I'd dig memories from the past.

Weekend

For the moment :)

Think Of Me

I've got me some post V-day present. What a surprise from our branch manager! I'm wondering if he's half-Japanese, or just because I am when I'm not???

St. Valentine's

For Kokim and R-yo who both were asking me to send them chocolates to save their reputation (LOL) at their respective offices, of being dateless on this hearts day... You two pick your own choice :p I tried, actually my first, but I couldn't have made it perfectly well. Anyhow, by the time I'll send each to both of you, the look would be more unsightly I guess. I only have a picture to offer :p

Cheers to everyone, and happy birthday to my sister! And to lovely Odette too, hugs on your birthday.

Like any other Valentine's day, I still opt to be alone than crowd myself to the commercialism of a supposed special day.

***On phone conversation with Kokim...

"Won't there be a solution to your problem of not being sociable? Or but, you wouldn't relate yourself to anybody who is way different to your perspective?"

Whatever it may be, I don't have qualm about it.

Squid

One of my yummy faves :p

Singaporean Seafood

It's quite dark. This is only what my iPhone could get. But I don't care that much. My stomach's growling already for that Thai crab dinner (crab in curry sauce).

Our first course is here already. Just check out the place. It's right in front of Shinagawa station.

Begin forwarded message:

From: <YOU>

Date: 2009年1月22日 2:30:18:JST

To: <ME>

Subject: Is there anybody out there...

Your silence is ice

blue void of cold wisper

of sound anticipated

of cracking hope

Silence. I hear words I wish

and all those I fear

Are you hiding in silence?

Are you lost in pain?

Flap your wings, angel

Make the wind roar

of your will to live

Obstinated fighter.

My heart knows no words... I wish you were here to give me that warmth of your embrace, to kiss the tiny pearls falling down my cheeks.

I am still breathing. Although I find the pressures and responsibilities of life nowadays unbearable. I am still swimming in the surface, scaling that wall.

I have dreamt of you. It was so vivid that I could actually feel you. But I woke up from the reality that you were never around. I gasped for air, because I was crying when your image was slowly fading away from me. I walked my way to the fridge and found my half-drunk glass of milk. I didn't want to remember how I feel so alone in that dream. After I went to the loo, I checked my phone and I've got this. From then, it never stopped raining until all I could remember in the morning how heavy my heart was.

I don't think I will ever see you. And I don't think I will ever be with you. 

Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life.

自分を信じるのです。一生、幸せに付き合っていられる自分を自ら作り出すのです。

Golda Meir
ゴルダー・メイヤー

Sometimes I feel my heart fall to vague depths between words. There are such spaces that I can't help but feel. My heart fall between the pregnant pause of all you will not say and all I can not ask.

Mishka

With her Tito-Ninong, her godfather, who she just fondly calls as Kokim. I think she's confused how to address her Tito Kokim, Ninong Kokim, Tito-Ninong... though she could utter straight the above honorifics, she opted for a shorter name-calling in a high-pitched stress.

To Narita

Off to the airport right now...

I need the eye-shut. I only had 4 hours of sleep. I made a cab reservation, so I have to be prim and proper on the time scheduled. Good thing this cab driver is very kind. He gallantly opened and closed the door for me. He even patiently waited for me downstairs, outside his car in a freezing cold, yet calling me through the interphone if I were ready. But nuh, he picked up a croaking voice.

Now he just let me slip to my dreamy world.

Thank you, Katou-san. Wake me up when we're there already.

Benri

It means convenient in Japanese. And for the people that surround me, it also means 'yours truly'.

There were times that I would like to give up, during those times that I so wished I was blind and deaf. I was on this threshold of fumigating my frustrations toward them. I could hardly breathe that I have become mute, as it has always been. I've had to be a pillar despite my prostrations.

I may be an ant, without nothing but only hard labor to carry on her back, unconspicuous to what seems a busy life they own. I don't bite like an ant though, you still don't have the right to step on me. However I was never blind nor deaf to your inconveniences.

Chains

Both of my faves are about to say goodbye... so are the moments?

Frazzled

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is."

私ができることは、自分自身であること。たとえ自分という存在が、どんな人間であろうとも。

Bob Dylan
ボブ・ディラン

お正月

Oshougatsu no maguro sashimi.

Tuna. Yum!

2009

Akemashite Omedetou Gozaimasu!

Mwahugs,
Boyeng <3